Hot Fun in the Summertime

I have been trying to think of something to write about, but I am afraid I may have run (no pun intended) out of humorous things to say about running. Some of you are probably saying, “He ran out about six articles ago. It’s about time the old fool realized it.”

Perhaps the weather has something to do with it, since as it gets closer to summer, even though I continue to run, I lose my enthusiasm for it. And judging by the temperatures of the last three weeks, summer arrived in mid-May. I sort of feel inclined to write about running in the heat, but I know I did that last summer. On the other hand, no one probably read it anyway, except Cedric, and he has to, so why should I worry?

Therefore, I will start by avowing that while summer is a fun time for most everyone else, for runners it is somewhere between a four-month-long peer-influenced trial of perseverance and sportomasochism.

I even feel self-conscious at times when I run past a normal walking or stationary person. I feel they are thinking, “Look at that crazy jackass running in this heat. Look at him, will you? He’s completely soaked with sweat, his face is a mask of pain, and breathing like William Perry on the first day of training camp. He’s obviously expressing suicidal ideation through exercise.”

Which brings to mind a suggestion for a summer race, “The Death Wish 10k.” It would be held every year in late August at 1pm, at the Northwoods Mall parking lot. The course would circumscribe the mall and would probably necessitate rounding it about a half-dozen times. Participants would have to wear those air-tight, silvery looking sweatsuits you see advertised on TV and black woolen stretch socks. There would be salt water available at one mile splits and hot soup, chili and coffee at the finish. The age group winners would get a two week pass to the Parris Island Marine Boot Camp. The overall winners would receive free tickets to the Ill Will Games to be held in Libya next year.

Perhaps a way to prolong the racing season through the hot months would be to have some night races. We could begin with the “Spirit of Spoleto—Let’s Do Lunch 5k Invitational.” Qualifications: 1) Proff of attendance at the last five Spoleto events (Piccolo, being free, of course does not count); 2) A picture of yourself with a group of people at a Spoleto event, at least two of whom are of indiscernible gender. The race would be at 9pm in the downtown area. The participants will wear what one usually wears for Spoleto evening events—anything that can be defined by a fellow Spoletan as being “divine,” “superb,” or “fun.” Labels will be closely checked. Running shoes are optional.

The overall winners will get to “do lunch” with a major Spoleto artiste. Age group winners will receive Spoleto Patron, Zina (“Zee Nee”) Paolozzi-Rockefeller-Middleton’s tape—“Give me Spoleto or Give me Death.” The tape instructs aspiring Spoletans in such things as: 1) How to wear your glasses on the top of your head; 2) How to know when not to clap at a ballet, and 3) How to meet and appear to converse intelligently with artsy people, despite being artistically illiterate.

An evening race at the opposite end of the social spectrum would be a night version of the Cooper River Bridge Run, with the only other major difference being that the participants must run the race sans shorts, but strategically covered with luminous silver paint. It would be called the Great Moon River Run.

An interesting touch would be that there would be no prizes or trophies awarded. However, the warm-up shorts which would be taken up just prior to the race would only be given back to the overall and age group winners.

Maybe there is hope for hot weather running after all. Probably more than there is for my rapidly dwindling store of humorous ideas for this column. If any LCR readers have subjects or ideas for articles, please let me or Cedric know.

And yes, before I receive hundreds of queries, tail-gaiting at the “Great Moon River Race” will result in immediate disqualification.

(Originally published July 1986)