Top 15 Rejected Spoleto Event Ideas

1. Overeaters Anonymous Ballet Company presents: "Swine Lake"
2. Gentlemen's Club's G-string Quartet
3. John Graham Altman's All WASP adaptation of Gershwin's "Porgy and Bess": "Poopsie and Biff"
4. City of North Charleston presents: A Taste of Spruill Avenue
5. The Howard Stern Topless Lesbian Dance Company presents: The Nutcracker (dedicated to Rush Limbaugh)
6. Jeffrey Dahmer Finger Painting Exhibition (done mostly with other guy's fingers)
7. The original version of the "Irish River Dancers": "The Irish Cirrhotic Liver Dancers"
8. A performance by the Citadel's crack haze team, "The Moultrie Street Maulers" (city firefighters will be on hand)
9. Day of the Night Heron (at Washington Park): Jalapeno bloated avian park residents strafe a 30x30 fast canvas at point-blank range, with artistic results
10. Children's Spoleto Event: the combined horse carriage companies of Charleston present: "Bobbing for Roadapples"
11. College of Charleston fraternities present at the Stern Center: "A Barf College Display"
12. The Meeting Street Knife and Gun Corps: Off-duty muggers entertain with precision marching during daylight hours. No evening performances due to prior commitments.
13. Charleston Bartenders' Association presents: "The Whiz." Each bar sponsors its most prodigious beer guzzler in a urination for distance competition at Johnson Haygood Stadium. Multi-colored food colorings provide special effects.
14. Homophobes International presents: "An evening with Jesse Helms." The NC Senator discusses his cause and effect theory on males with ponytails and homosexuality.
15. The Prostitutes Association of America, under the direction of its President, Tanya Joyce ("T.J.") Hooker, presents: "Hooking is a F***ing Art." Similar in concept to the AIDS quilt, a vast display of mattresses are "laid out" at the North Charleston Coliseum.