Reasons Why I Love St. Patrick’s Day

(originally published March, 1998)

1. Always enjoy the re-enactment of the St. Patrick’s miracle with local lawyers and politicians playing the parts of snakes.

2. The colorful contrasts of bright green outfits with brilliant red faces.

3. The Long Distance Barfing Contest outside the Knights of Columbus Hall.

4. Seeing people with naturally green teeth looking proud instead of self-conscious.

5. I’m looking forward to the Christening of the new Mart Street Vomitorium.

6. The friendly wagering on which old drunk guys won’t finish the parade.

7. Observing the morning-after hysterics of guys who drank green beer and now mistakenly think they have urinary tract infections.

8. Raucous boasting by guys at the Hibernian Hall about who has the biggest Shillelagh.

9. Seeing restaurants unloading their green with mold she-crab soup as “Kilarney Crab Chowder.”

10. That new race, the 5k Guinness Stagger.