Predictions for 1998

January 1998
Predictions for 1998
By Bob Coskrey

We ask you gentle readers to indulge our flights of fancy as we take pen in hand to make prediction for the upcoming year. While you may well laugh at our predictive efforts, it is only in hindsight that we may be proven worth of lacking in this, our first psychic foray.

1. In a bold move to level the economic playing field between the Lowcountry and the Upstate, Mayor Joe Riley will annex the cities of Greenville and Spartanburg.
2. Prince Charles will try to reconcile with Earl Spencer in a pathetic attempt to gain access to his “little black book.”
3. Continuing to display evidence of its homophobic attitude, Myrtle Beach will pass an ordinance outlawing any LPGA events, based on the mistaken belief that the acronym stand for the Lesbian Professional Golf Association.
4. The sexual mores portion of the U.S. Census Survey will contain the question, “Did you make love to Madonna in 1997?” (It will be posed to both sexes.)
5. A Goose Creek native will pen a novel about a murder that takes place in his home town—“Midnight in the Defoliated Lot of Hubcaps and Trailers.”
6. Relatedly, the ecstatic Mayor of Goose Creek will declare a city-wide holidy to celebrate the discovery of a resident who is able to read and write.
7. Rush Limbaugh’s EIB (Egomaniacs in Broadcasting) Network will declare bankruptcy. In the resultant collapse of the enormous radio personality’s even more enormous ego, scores of Dittoheads will suffer minor injuries.
8. Remarking that “If they love Jerry Lewis they will love anybody,” President Clinton will name the recently retired Beavis and Butthead as Ambassadors to France, with their mission being “to make France laugh again.”
9. From now on, Frank Gifford will make only the first two selections from a flight attendant’s “coffee, tea, or me” offering.
10. Taking advantage of his Clark Kent comparison, Al Gore will start making his fund-raising calls from phone booths.
11. A courageous Attorney General Charles Condon, in an effort to “drive depravity from the House of God,” will outlaw church bingo nights.

February 1998
**Letters About the Article “Predictions for 1998” and the Response**

Dear Editor:
I am writing in reference to Predictions for 1998 on page 4 of the January issue of the East Cooper. As a resident of Goose Creek, I am highly offended by your pathetic attempt at humor.

Prediction 5- A Goose Creek native will pen a novel on murder that takes place in his hometown-“Midnight in the Defoliated Lot of Hubcaps and Trailers.”

I’m sure that you did not realize that Goose Creek zoning regulations do not allow for mobile homes to be located anywhere inside the city limits other than in the one existing park. Also, the city has a full time Code Enforcement Officer, and I can assure you that you will find no more hubcaps in Goose Creek than anywhere else East of the Cooper.

Prediction 6- Relatedly, the ecstatic Mayor Goose Creek will declare a city-wide holiday to celebrate the discovery of a resident who is able to read and write.

First of all, I believe that you meant to print “Mayor of Goose Creek” instead of “Mayor Goose Creek.”

Secondly, I’m sure that you did not realize that last year, students at Goose Creek High School were awarded $1,467,860 in academic scholarships and that the number of four-year college graduates in Goose Creek grew 251% between 1980 and 1990 according to the 1990 Census.

My recommendation to you is to take less time putting your nose in the air and take more time getting the facts straight.

Sincerely,
Rebecca Mayberry, Goose Creek


Dear Mr. Coskrey:

As a resident of Goose Creek, I was offended by your “Predictions For 1998” article. I fail to see the humor in your article. When you decide to make derogatory comments about a town or city, I suggest you first do some research. In reference to “prediction 6,” be informed that the 1997 Goose Creek High School graduating class received approximately 1.4 million dollars in academic scholarships.

In reference to “prediction 5” does the residential area only become unsightly if the homes are valued under a certain dollar amount? (FYI: mobile home lots are clear cut for safety reasons.)

I consider myself to have a good sense of humor and enjoy a good “joke” as long as it is not originated out of arrogance and prejudice.

Mr. Coskrey, I feel you and East Cooper Monthly owe the residents of Goose Creek, and Mayor Michael J. Heitzler, Ed., D., an apology.

Sincerely,
Donna Hicks, Goose Creek, SC


Dear Editor:

Congratulations on your January issue of East Cooper Monthly! I am sorry to say, however, that I did not completely read the entire issue. After reading your predictions for 1998 page, I trashed the rest.

As a resident of Goose Creek, I am, of course, offended by your remarks but I am also saddened by your obvious ignorance of our splendid community. Our Mayor and City Council have worked hard to change this city into a truly great place to live.

For your information, there is only one trailer park in the city limits of Goose Creek and it is mandated by strict community appearance codes and ordinances. Our Mayor, Dr. Michael J. Heitzler, is, and has been, the principal of Westview Elementary for nearly 20 years and the education statistics of that and other Goose Creek schools rival those of East Cooper. My six year old son, a student at Dr. Heitzler’s school, can read, write and spell quite well, as can I, as you can plainly see.

Let’s see if The East Cooper Monthly has the good taste to apologize for their nasty comments. Whether you do or not, the citizens of Goose Creek will handle your ignorance and prejudice in true Southern fashion. We forgive you.

Sincerely, Sherry Ferguson, Goose Creek


RESPONSE

Dear Irate Goose Creek Residents:

First, allow me to apologize to you and your mayor for having offended you with my comments. My humor was not intended to be mean spirited. I was only trying to elicit laughter through the use of exaggeration. I have poked fun at many communities, including the East Cooper area (see comments about Myrtle Beach in the Jan. issue), over the years.

The fact you provided about the number of 4 year college graduates living in Goose Creek having increased by 251% (1980-1990) is very impressive, and as far as my not having my facts straight about trailer parks, you could be right. I may have been thinking about Hanahan.

Sincerely Up Goose Creek Without a Paddle,
Bob Coskrey