Top 15 Reasons Why Tourists Love Charleston's Festival of Homes & Gardens

1. They are always amazed at the astronomical number of grains it must take to make one of those rice beds.

2. Naïve tourist guys believe legend that hot and horny female ghosts inhabit some of the homes.

3. Light moments such as when during the description of a home's cannon bombardment, someone always shouts out, "Incoming, hit the deck!"

4. The irreverent lawn jockey with the O.J. mask at Drayton Hall.

5. Half-crocked residents often provide spontaneous happy hours—even in the A.M.

6. Joggling Boards great for hemorrhoids.

7. Acetone Pyrotechnics by Citadel cadets during intermission are entertaining.

8. Awe-inspiring experience of meeting aristocratic superhero, "Captain Blue Blood," Cotesworth Rutledge Pringle Prioleau Middleton Loundes Ravenel Rhett Heyward Maybank, who's ironically recovering from a severe hernia suffered while attempting to lift his Coat of Arms.

9. Fun to watch tour guides play time-honored joke on tin horn tourists of giving them the "old Southern aphrodisiac" secret of filling their undershorts with steaming hot grits.

10. Participating in tourist spring ritual of setting up faux trailer park in White Point Gardens and counting the stroke victims.

11. Love the idea of keeping all the yellow bicycles you can find.

12. Appearance of the "Leprechaun Mayor" at the St. Patrick's Day pre-festival kickoff is a nice touch.

13. Like the realistic historic flavor of some of the elderly residents screaming epithets such as "Go the Hell back to New York, carpetbagger swine!"

14. It beats bumping around behind a diaper-load of horse crap, dodging demented local drivers.

15. Enjoying new, hip tourist game, such as seeing who can spot the most queens on the Queen Street Tour.

Scream of Consciousness #5

1. Skullbuggery: Anatomically specific sexual pervasion occurring among British archaeologists.
2. Lewis and Clark: Another Jerry Lewis based comedy team that failed when the four star general dropped out due to Jerry’s insistence on ending each joke with his screaming, “Ladeeeee!”
3. Semicolonoscopy: A half-ass gastrointestinal procedure.
4. “The Busy Beaver”: Jenna Jamison’s autobiography.
5. “Believe you me”: Grammar assdumb.
6. Came-a-lot: JFK’s unofficial Secret Service codename.
7. Needing heart conservative: Dick Cheney.
8. Family Values Added Tax: Last ditch legislative attempt by Democrats designed to stop the Republicans from continuing to overuse the phrase “Family Values.”
9. Old Glory Hole: guys go patriotic with Flags and Fags décor.
10. “No Country for Old Men” who are willing to sacrifice the lives of young men for a hundred years, if that’s what it takes to win.
11. Sh*tshead: Noun used when referring to more than one.
12. “Loaded for Bear!”: Hunting status often preceded by “loaded with beer.”
13. A double-wide: Dolly Parton’s bra size.
14. Super delegate: An undemocratic Democrat.
15. Little Orifice Annie: Famous but ephemeral porn star.
16. Stroke of good luck: the one that finally finishes Cheney.
17. Froogalism: Economic philosophy based on a 60s dance.
18. Dom Deluise: A full-bodied, excessively fruity champagne.
19. Instant Karma Sutra: Abbreviated version of well-used instructional book.
20. “My size fits all!”: Ron Jeremy’s boastful claim.
21. Nipplelodeon: Adult version of the popular children’s show.
22. Down Time: In business, when there is no productivity. In prostitution, just the opposite.
23. “Yes and no”: In an ideal world, a response justifying the death penalty.
24. Fecal matters: Usual topic of discussion at the monthly sewer commission meeting.
25. Lay person: P.C. term for prostitute.
26. Senior Citizen: 15% of males over 65.
27. Brave Fart: Flatulent Scot who led his countrymen to victories over the British.
28. Amber Dextrous: Digitally gifted young porn ingénue capable of performing simultaneous reach-arounds.
29. Ball Pain Hammer: Most dreaded of all “Jackass” props.
30. Dump truck: When a port-o-let just won’t do the job.
31. BONUS ENTRY: Southern Simultaneous Football Conference: A league created by me in which teams split up and play three or four other teams at the same time solely for the purpose of preventing coaches from ever being able to say again, “We’re gonna take it one game at a time.”