Other rejected promotional ideas of the Charleston Riverdogs Besides the Father's Day Vasectomy

1. Free brain transplants for KKK members

2. Ball Day/Hump Day (no one under 18 allowed)

3. On rain-outs have Calhoun/East Bay Streets Regattas or VA Hospital Parking Lot Swordfish tournament

4. All you can drink beer night (alcoholics only)

5. Sponsored by the Citadel, as a public service, "Goose Step Night," featuring longtime school favorites such as "Goose steppin' out with my Nazi," and Colonel Terry Leedom in blackface as "Goose Steppin' Fetchit."

6. Free one-day pass to Charleston's new virtual reality rage, "Market Street Massacre," in which the player is allowed to grind under street hogging tourist-pedestrians in a Charleston green Bradley tank, complete with cannon and machine guns for those hard to get at alleys and alcoves.

7. "Windy City" Night at Joe Riley Park, during which fans are given all the Mexican food and sauerkraut they can eat. For that night only, all the expensive seats will be upwind.

8. Special Promotion: Pest-Away-Decibel-of-Death Night. First 500 fans will be given a hand-operated automobile horn. It consists of a tape of the late Sam Kinison's eardrum-rupturing scream, which can be used to frighten away various humanoid pests, such as Jehovah's Witnesses, Girl Scouts and charity collectors, but especially attractive to Charlestonians will be the tourist tape: "Get out of the damn way, you street-glutting hicks from Hades! Arrrhh!"

9. A Dr. Henry Jordan t-shirt giveaway with the following words on the shirt: "The 11th Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Be An Intolerant Asshole."

10. Cellulite Night: Give away of special liposuction attachment that can be connected to your vacuum cleaner.

11. Howard Stern Night: 1) Ball players and female fans compare cup sizes; 2) Lesbians get in free.

12. Seventh Inning Stretch This Night: Marv and Giff wander through the stands getting up close and personal with unsuspecting female fans.

13. Baseball Gropie Night. In pre-game activities, male adolescents (gropies) are taught the manly art of public groping of their private parts. Prizes are awarded for the longest frontal grope without secondary arousal (an automatic disqualification) and the deepest posterior grope (arm length exterior to the surface is measured).

14. No Spitter Night. Fans are awarded white t-shirts, if they choose a pitcher who goes a full game without spitting. If he does spit, the fan is awarded a white t-shirt emblazoned with an authentic brown splotch on the front.

15. Drink at your own risk night. (10-cent beer followed by closing of the restrooms. Thirty minutes after game time.) Named affectionately by the Native Americans as "The Night of the Yellow Grass."

originally published July 1997