Yankees to Spankees

I have been a New Yankees fan since the 50’s, sticking with them through the banner years, as well as the lean ones, so the news that their first baseman, Jason Giambi, revealed that he wears a gold lame’, tiger-striped thong to bring him out of hitting slumps sort of caught my attention. This is the same guy that although he never admitted to using steroids, he apologized for it. Too bad he didn’t use that same ( il )logic here: “Yeah, I’m apologizin’, but not for no ( baseball players are notorious users of bad grammar ) gold lame’ tiger-striped thong. Mine is camouflaged with Red Sox scalps hangin’ from it.”

Of course, a professional athlete, or anyone else, for that matter, has a right to wear a vibrating, strobe-lit, crotchless thong if he desires, the last feature naturally allowing him to engage in some double entendre bragging about swinging heavy lumber, but unfortunately, this story stepped down to a different level when Giambi, apparently, generous, not to mention stupid, to a fault, decided to lend out his thong to any teammate who was having difficulty at the plate, and he insists that it worked for them as well as it did for him. He even went so far as mentioning their names, citing retired Yankees, Paul O’Neill, Bernie Williams, and Robin Ventura, and current players, Johnnie Damon and Derek Jeter. Now as far as these former Yankees are concerned, this epiphany, of course, is going to present for them some situations where they’re going to, as Frank Sinatra used to say, “have to do some ‘splainin’”( balladeers too are known for their atrocious grammar ). As for Johnnie Damon, he’s a may-be-not-so former Red Sock, and every Yankee fan knows those guys would play naked, wearing red and green Maxipads to get an edge on New York.

But Derek Jeter, for God’s sake, the team captain, “Mr. Yankee”, “Mr. new York City”, with the international reputation of being a super batsman both on and off the field, boasting a .317 lifetime average in the former category, but well over .500 in the latter, connecting with the likes of Scarlet Johansson, Mariah Cary ( in the pre-cellulite days ), the Jessicas Beal and Alba, not to mention a coterie of others on the “Maxim” magazine’s list of 100 most beautiful women, why in the world is he wearing Giambi’s awful undergarment?

And now that I think about it—and obviously I’m doing too much of that---why does Jason Giambi even own a gold lame’, tiger-striped thong in the first place? I’ve heard of ballplayers wearing a lucky jersey or cap, but unless you’re a male stripper and/or gay ( not that there’s anything wrong with either ), you don’t buy one of these tacky undergarments because you read in the “Village Voice” sports page that they bring you good luck. It seems to me that Giambi made this purchase, because he was making some sort of fashion statement. The fact that it brought him or anyone else luck with the bat (well, not Jeter’s kind ), was serendipitous.

And how do Jeter and the others end up with the thong? Does one of them say, “Hey, not that I was checking out your package or anything, but, gee, that’s a swell thong you’ve got there. It really accentuates your “Louisville Slugger” and glutes. Do you think I could borrow it after the game?”

Or does he, being the ultimate team player, simply explain to his teammates why he’s wearing it and offer it to anyone who’s in a hitting slump.

Even more important, since ballplayers usually don’t wash their lucky garments, do the borrowers just accept it as is and return it in the same state ( New Jersey?) ? If so, it must be at the stage by now where it slides right off, if you get my drift ( or its ). And Mariah, Scarlet, and the Jessicas, et al are going to be very unhappy when they realize that they have indirectly been dating half the Yankees team.

And what about the “Red Sox Nation”? I have visions of Jimmy Fallon reprising his SNL Red Sox fan routine: “I always thought them ( Red Sox fans are salient grammar abusers ) Yankees were a little funny. Now we know. Parading around the locker room, with their fairy thongs on, slappin’ each other on their bare buttocks. “The New York Spankees”, that’s what they are. If only Nomar was here.”

There is one silver lining for Giambi and the Yankees in all this. If he had been a long time steroid user, there is no way, he would be wearing anything that would call attention to that area of his body. He would have to be a little nuts.

Nevertheless, as a Yankees fan ( and a proud American ) I am sorry that he ever aired this story, and certainly Derek Jeter and the rest of the Yankees are not pleased. My advice to other gold lame’, tiger-striped thong clad ballplayers: Keep it in your pants!