New Ideas for a New Season

Last year I contemplated for the first time running a marathon. However, my quest was curtailed by a chronic lover back problem. I had made it up to 14 miles before having to give in. This year, inspired by the salutary results of Williams Flexion Exercises, I began training enthusiastically once more. My maximum is now twelve miles. A very depressing thought, the realizing that I will never be able to run a marathon, especially since it seemed to be my one last attainable major goal, with my Olympic medal and Pulitzer Prize possibilities receding rapidly into the horizon. But enough about me.

Once again, Fall—as it is wont to do in Charleston—is toying with us. One day we’re blasting along through 58-degree temperature and equal humidity; the next, we’re plodding drenched in sweat. When I do my post-run exercises, I literally have puddles of perspiration beneath me. In fact, it’s a shame no one has discovered a practical use for this socially unacceptable byproduct. Such as, perhaps, a cheap source of brine, a marinade for seafood, or for boiling shrimp or even peanuts. Of course, since the average person may be offended by this idea—and I will admit even I am—it would need to be made attractive. Hence, we might have vials, jars or gallon jugs of famous runners’ or athletes’ or other notable person’s perspiration, although many may never perspire. We could bottle Steve Jones, Sydney Maree or Joan Benoit sweat or even collect large tanks of William Perry Industrial Strength Perspiration after a Bear ballgame. Maniacal collectors may be interested in vials of Mary Decker Slaney or Carlos Lopes’ perspiration. Or some sweatless wimps may cherish a few dabs of Eau de Craig Virgin to make them appear (or smell) more macho. Of course, if they didn’t want to pay top price, they could just settle for anonymously collected perspiration (or Workout Cologne).

If you are impressed by those ideas, how about these:

1) The Annual Run Like the Wind 10k. This would depend on the weather, since it would only be held in hurricanes. It would start at Patriots Point, cross the bridge and end at West Battery. Running against the win might seem impossible, but a downwind course would undoubtedly result in a multitude of PR’s.

2) The Charleston Roach Stomp. This would be a 10k race run at night in the summer through steamy, downtown Charleston streets. The race, being a public service, would probably be sponsored by the city and the Health Department. Stomp verification will be done by College of Charleston Entomology staff at the finish line. A clean sole will warrant disqualification.

3) The Quarterly Run to Eradicate Yuppism. This even would raise funds to sponsor a lobby whose sole purpose would be to gradually accomplish the long overdue extinction of a boorish and boring lifestyle and quasi-philosophy. This would be achieved by subsidizing various manufacturers not to produce and/or import items such as: Mercedes, Volvos, BMWs, Saabs, Ralph Lauren products, outdoor clothes/paraphernalia, Jeep wagons, fettuccini and quiche, polo equipment, and shoes of any type made in New England. I am absolutely certain of this idea’s success since it would essentially cut off the life’s blood of the Yuppie movement, materialism. It would also have the benign side effect of forcing the media to find something more worthwhile to talk about. What about Yuppie runners, you ask? And I know there are some. (Moss Brown, LL Bean, Eddie Bauer all sell running gear now.) Well, they will simply have to make a choice, “To Be or Not To Be.”

4) My last idea, I feel, is equally as helpful as the preceding, but much less controversial. It was precipitated by an archetypal runners’ thought: the urge to run a “bad race” all over again. The one where your goal was to break 40 minutes in a 10k, and you don’t even break 42 and are also beaten by someone who you’ve never lost to before. It happens to all of us every racing season at some point and to me every race. My plan would be to hold the race again the summertime. We could use Northwoods Mall as I mentioned in the last newsletter, so the heat would be no problem. Say you did poorly in the Turkey Day Race, you’d simply wait till the July Turkey Day race and hope to redeem yourself. This would also enable us to race all year long. By the way, they would be called the “Summer Re-Runs.” (I hope no one has such a base opinion of me that they think I wrote all of the aforementioned just to springboard a pun.)

I will close (appropriately) with the forewarning that I will be trying to think of a suitable anthem, so to speak, for runners. Baseball and football have their “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” and “Mr. Touchdown” respectively, and the theme from “Chariots of Fire” is too august—and does it have words? Running, as I see it, is in dire need or a song. Since I don’t write music, this may be very difficult, so I am soliciting help from any musically talented runners. Please let me hear from you.

(Originally published: November 1985)