New Ideas for a New Season

Last year I contemplated for the first time running a marathon. However, my quest was curtailed by a chronic lover back problem. I had made it up to 14 miles before having to give in. This year, inspired by the salutary results of Williams Flexion Exercises, I began training enthusiastically once more. My maximum is now twelve miles. A very depressing thought, the realizing that I will never be able to run a marathon, especially since it seemed to be my one last attainable major goal, with my Olympic medal and Pulitzer Prize possibilities receding rapidly into the horizon. But enough about me.

Once again, Fall—as it is wont to do in Charleston—is toying with us. One day we’re blasting along through 58-degree temperature and equal humidity; the next, we’re plodding drenched in sweat. When I do my post-run exercises, I literally have puddles of perspiration beneath me. In fact, it’s a shame no one has discovered a practical use for this socially unacceptable byproduct. Such as, perhaps, a cheap source of brine, a marinade for seafood, or for boiling shrimp or even peanuts. Of course, since the average person may be offended by this idea—and I will admit even I am—it would need to be made attractive. Hence, we might have vials, jars or gallon jugs of famous runners’ or athletes’ or other notable person’s perspiration, although many may never perspire. We could bottle Steve Jones, Sydney Maree or Joan Benoit sweat or even collect large tanks of William Perry Industrial Strength Perspiration after a Bear ballgame. Maniacal collectors may be interested in vials of Mary Decker Slaney or Carlos Lopes’ perspiration. Or some sweatless wimps may cherish a few dabs of Eau de Craig Virgin to make them appear (or smell) more macho. Of course, if they didn’t want to pay top price, they could just settle for anonymously collected perspiration (or Workout Cologne).

If you are impressed by those ideas, how about these:

1) The Annual Run Like the Wind 10k. This would depend on the weather, since it would only be held in hurricanes. It would start at Patriots Point, cross the bridge and end at West Battery. Running against the win might seem impossible, but a downwind course would undoubtedly result in a multitude of PR’s.

2) The Charleston Roach Stomp. This would be a 10k race run at night in the summer through steamy, downtown Charleston streets. The race, being a public service, would probably be sponsored by the city and the Health Department. Stomp verification will be done by College of Charleston Entomology staff at the finish line. A clean sole will warrant disqualification.

3) The Quarterly Run to Eradicate Yuppism. This even would raise funds to sponsor a lobby whose sole purpose would be to gradually accomplish the long overdue extinction of a boorish and boring lifestyle and quasi-philosophy. This would be achieved by subsidizing various manufacturers not to produce and/or import items such as: Mercedes, Volvos, BMWs, Saabs, Ralph Lauren products, outdoor clothes/paraphernalia, Jeep wagons, fettuccini and quiche, polo equipment, and shoes of any type made in New England. I am absolutely certain of this idea’s success since it would essentially cut off the life’s blood of the Yuppie movement, materialism. It would also have the benign side effect of forcing the media to find something more worthwhile to talk about. What about Yuppie runners, you ask? And I know there are some. (Moss Brown, LL Bean, Eddie Bauer all sell running gear now.) Well, they will simply have to make a choice, “To Be or Not To Be.”

4) My last idea, I feel, is equally as helpful as the preceding, but much less controversial. It was precipitated by an archetypal runners’ thought: the urge to run a “bad race” all over again. The one where your goal was to break 40 minutes in a 10k, and you don’t even break 42 and are also beaten by someone who you’ve never lost to before. It happens to all of us every racing season at some point and to me every race. My plan would be to hold the race again the summertime. We could use Northwoods Mall as I mentioned in the last newsletter, so the heat would be no problem. Say you did poorly in the Turkey Day Race, you’d simply wait till the July Turkey Day race and hope to redeem yourself. This would also enable us to race all year long. By the way, they would be called the “Summer Re-Runs.” (I hope no one has such a base opinion of me that they think I wrote all of the aforementioned just to springboard a pun.)

I will close (appropriately) with the forewarning that I will be trying to think of a suitable anthem, so to speak, for runners. Baseball and football have their “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” and “Mr. Touchdown” respectively, and the theme from “Chariots of Fire” is too august—and does it have words? Running, as I see it, is in dire need or a song. Since I don’t write music, this may be very difficult, so I am soliciting help from any musically talented runners. Please let me hear from you.

(Originally published: November 1985)

Yankees to Spankees

I have been a New Yankees fan since the 50’s, sticking with them through the banner years, as well as the lean ones, so the news that their first baseman, Jason Giambi, revealed that he wears a gold lame’, tiger-striped thong to bring him out of hitting slumps sort of caught my attention. This is the same guy that although he never admitted to using steroids, he apologized for it. Too bad he didn’t use that same ( il )logic here: “Yeah, I’m apologizin’, but not for no ( baseball players are notorious users of bad grammar ) gold lame’ tiger-striped thong. Mine is camouflaged with Red Sox scalps hangin’ from it.”

Of course, a professional athlete, or anyone else, for that matter, has a right to wear a vibrating, strobe-lit, crotchless thong if he desires, the last feature naturally allowing him to engage in some double entendre bragging about swinging heavy lumber, but unfortunately, this story stepped down to a different level when Giambi, apparently, generous, not to mention stupid, to a fault, decided to lend out his thong to any teammate who was having difficulty at the plate, and he insists that it worked for them as well as it did for him. He even went so far as mentioning their names, citing retired Yankees, Paul O’Neill, Bernie Williams, and Robin Ventura, and current players, Johnnie Damon and Derek Jeter. Now as far as these former Yankees are concerned, this epiphany, of course, is going to present for them some situations where they’re going to, as Frank Sinatra used to say, “have to do some ‘splainin’”( balladeers too are known for their atrocious grammar ). As for Johnnie Damon, he’s a may-be-not-so former Red Sock, and every Yankee fan knows those guys would play naked, wearing red and green Maxipads to get an edge on New York.

But Derek Jeter, for God’s sake, the team captain, “Mr. Yankee”, “Mr. new York City”, with the international reputation of being a super batsman both on and off the field, boasting a .317 lifetime average in the former category, but well over .500 in the latter, connecting with the likes of Scarlet Johansson, Mariah Cary ( in the pre-cellulite days ), the Jessicas Beal and Alba, not to mention a coterie of others on the “Maxim” magazine’s list of 100 most beautiful women, why in the world is he wearing Giambi’s awful undergarment?

And now that I think about it—and obviously I’m doing too much of that---why does Jason Giambi even own a gold lame’, tiger-striped thong in the first place? I’ve heard of ballplayers wearing a lucky jersey or cap, but unless you’re a male stripper and/or gay ( not that there’s anything wrong with either ), you don’t buy one of these tacky undergarments because you read in the “Village Voice” sports page that they bring you good luck. It seems to me that Giambi made this purchase, because he was making some sort of fashion statement. The fact that it brought him or anyone else luck with the bat (well, not Jeter’s kind ), was serendipitous.

And how do Jeter and the others end up with the thong? Does one of them say, “Hey, not that I was checking out your package or anything, but, gee, that’s a swell thong you’ve got there. It really accentuates your “Louisville Slugger” and glutes. Do you think I could borrow it after the game?”

Or does he, being the ultimate team player, simply explain to his teammates why he’s wearing it and offer it to anyone who’s in a hitting slump.

Even more important, since ballplayers usually don’t wash their lucky garments, do the borrowers just accept it as is and return it in the same state ( New Jersey?) ? If so, it must be at the stage by now where it slides right off, if you get my drift ( or its ). And Mariah, Scarlet, and the Jessicas, et al are going to be very unhappy when they realize that they have indirectly been dating half the Yankees team.

And what about the “Red Sox Nation”? I have visions of Jimmy Fallon reprising his SNL Red Sox fan routine: “I always thought them ( Red Sox fans are salient grammar abusers ) Yankees were a little funny. Now we know. Parading around the locker room, with their fairy thongs on, slappin’ each other on their bare buttocks. “The New York Spankees”, that’s what they are. If only Nomar was here.”

There is one silver lining for Giambi and the Yankees in all this. If he had been a long time steroid user, there is no way, he would be wearing anything that would call attention to that area of his body. He would have to be a little nuts.

Nevertheless, as a Yankees fan ( and a proud American ) I am sorry that he ever aired this story, and certainly Derek Jeter and the rest of the Yankees are not pleased. My advice to other gold lame’, tiger-striped thong clad ballplayers: Keep it in your pants!