Reasons Why Charleston Needs an Aquarium

August 1997

1. When longliner boats finally deplete local waters of all their fish, we'll still have a fully stocked resource.

2. In the event of a catastrophic food shortage, a special heating mechanism can transform the aquarium into a giant bouillabaisse.

3. Shark tank can be used as an effective behavior modification tool for unruly school children.

4. Mayor Riley will enjoy snorkeling in the main tank because being viewed through the glass will make him seem larger than many of the grammar school visitors.

5. Addition of City jail underwater "drunk tank" should be a popular attraction.

6. Monthly Shark-Lawyers Swim Party (previous experiments have proved that they can coexist in the same environment).

7. Kids' Night: Free peanut-butter and jellyfish sandwiches.

8. Shock Jock Night: College student who can drink the most beer while keeping an electric eel in his athletic supporter earns the Shock Jacques Cousteau Trophy.

9. Fat Chance Friday: Overweight persons who can swim the length of the killer whale tank without being attacked or sexually accosted get to eat their weight in fried shrimp.

10. Recurring Dream: Fiddler on the Wharf Playhouse presents: "Hootie and the Blowfish." Magically talented blowfish achieves oceanwide stardom only to be "dissed" by schools of alternative rockfish for "being so bland even tartar sauce won't help."

11. Charleston "Chum" Society: Any tourist caught pushing his/her way into a private Charleston garden is made a member of the Charleston "Chum" Society, whose first initiation event is a dip, sand scuba gear, in the special underwater Tiger Shark tank.

12. Abeerium Night: Individual 5,000-gallon tanks are filled with beer and guys are allowed to swim in them and drink from them, while relieving themselves, if necessary. This will, of course, create a beer-drinkers' Nirvana, a never-ending supply of brew, as the participant drinks, relieves, drinks, relieves to infinity, or until the aquarium closes, whichever comes first.

13. "Flipper Night": Horrified parents grab their offspring and flee when a cavorting man in a porpoise suit continually shoots them the bird while screaming, "Eek, eek, eek!"

14. Rent-A-Crab Program: Domesticated, non-pinching fiddler crabs will be rented out by the day or week to those aspiring to be cutting edge jokesters.
a) Be the gross-out king of the kegger when you stuff some of these scuttling crustaceans in your shorts and have them crawl out your pants legs while you're discoing.
b) Shock the guys at the ballpark urinal by having some tumble out of your fly.
c) Put some in your roommate's bed when you know that special someone's spending the night.
d) Sprinkle a few in his underwear drawer just for good measure.

15. The aquarium can save considerable money by drawing its water from the nearby Calhoun Street/East Bay Reservoir whenever it rains at high tide.