Top 15 Reasons Why Tourists Love Charleston's Festival of Homes & Gardens

1. They are always amazed at the astronomical number of grains it must take to make one of those rice beds.

2. Naïve tourist guys believe legend that hot and horny female ghosts inhabit some of the homes.

3. Light moments such as when during the description of a home's cannon bombardment, someone always shouts out, "Incoming, hit the deck!"

4. The irreverent lawn jockey with the O.J. mask at Drayton Hall.

5. Half-crocked residents often provide spontaneous happy hours—even in the A.M.

6. Joggling Boards great for hemorrhoids.

7. Acetone Pyrotechnics by Citadel cadets during intermission are entertaining.

8. Awe-inspiring experience of meeting aristocratic superhero, "Captain Blue Blood," Cotesworth Rutledge Pringle Prioleau Middleton Loundes Ravenel Rhett Heyward Maybank, who's ironically recovering from a severe hernia suffered while attempting to lift his Coat of Arms.

9. Fun to watch tour guides play time-honored joke on tin horn tourists of giving them the "old Southern aphrodisiac" secret of filling their undershorts with steaming hot grits.

10. Participating in tourist spring ritual of setting up faux trailer park in White Point Gardens and counting the stroke victims.

11. Love the idea of keeping all the yellow bicycles you can find.

12. Appearance of the "Leprechaun Mayor" at the St. Patrick's Day pre-festival kickoff is a nice touch.

13. Like the realistic historic flavor of some of the elderly residents screaming epithets such as "Go the Hell back to New York, carpetbagger swine!"

14. It beats bumping around behind a diaper-load of horse crap, dodging demented local drivers.

15. Enjoying new, hip tourist game, such as seeing who can spot the most queens on the Queen Street Tour.