Scream of Consciousness

1. Monotgamy: The inevitable side effect of some long term marriages. (I said “some,” Barbara.)
2. Mother Inferior: Britney Spears
3. “Emission Accomplished”: Semi-annual victory cry from Cheney bedroom.
4. Fecked up: Feckless (idiomatic)
5. Carbon dating: Scientific method of tracking Larry King’s social life.
6. Concert penis: Ron Jeremy plays Carnegie Hall with his hands behind his back.
7. Islarmist: Michael Chertoff
8. Amnesty Bill Horror: Republican name for recent immigration legislative attempt.
9. “Straight-haired Ho”: How some local Hawaiian shock jocks used to derogatively refer to the now-deceased singer of “Tiny Bubbles.”
10. Ear apparent: Prince Charles.
11. “It’s been a real roller coaster ride”: Euphemism for “You make me want to throw up.”
12. The “Stuff of Life”: All that useless crap in your attic.
13. “Raising the bar”: Often used equivocal phrase that lacks the important clarification of whether it is referring to the high hump or the limbo.
14. Snoop Dogg Days of August: That part of the summer when it gets so hot that frizizzles have been known to spontaneously combust, sometimes casuing herds of Ho’s and Bitches to stampede.
15. CPDD (Chronic Public Dissembler Disorder): Psychiatric disorder peculiar to politicians.
16. Psychopath: The way leading out of the labyrinth of shrubs in “The Shining.”
17. Subterranean Nuptials: Marrying beneath you.
18. Tiramisohorny: Italian-American dessert with Aphrodisiac properties.
19. “Serve at the pleasure of the President”: Hiring condition of some administration employees famously misinterpreted by Monica Lewinsky.
20. “Blown out of proportion”: Infamous Linda Lovelace film featuring creative uses of an Electrolux.
21. “Cut and run”: What O.J. excelled at.
22. Cardinal Sin: Priestly duties gone awry.
23. Jackson Hole: Mining excavation site in Wyoming named after Michael Jackson’s nose.
24. Myanmar Shave: Formerly Burma Shave.
25. Backseat Driver: Minnie’s high school nickname based on her amorous intravehicular activities.
26. “Drink like a sailor”: Old school for “drink like an astronaut.”
27. Bread Box: Useless kitchen container used only for comparative measuring.
28. Rhode Island: See “bread box.”
29. Tired groin: Roger Clemens’ early season injury, usually occurring only among teen age boys.
30. Bronx Bombers: Whimsical name of NYC local al Qaeda Cell #122.
31. Auto-eroticism: Specialized sexual activities popular during the days of the four-on-the-floor gearshift.
32. Overeasy Rider: Now defunct biker-owned egg delivery service.
33. Norweejuns: New line of Bass combination penny loafer-show shoes made in its Oslo plant.
34. “Putting meat on the table”: Metaphorically, a description of one who supports a family. Literally, a felonious act in all but a few deep-south states.
35. Random House: An impulsively purchased dwelling, often selected only with the use of darts and the classified section of the newspaper.
36. Moe Town: Small town in northern Michigan in which newcomers must undergo an initiation consisting of running a gauntlet where they receive continuous eye-pokes, double-fisted nose bonks, and 2x4 head-whacks delivered by guys with “bowl” haircuts, yelling, “Why you!”