Tax, Annoying People and Audio/Video Tapes

April 1999
Tax, Annoying People and Audio/Video Tapes
By Bob Coskrey

I realize that the taxes we pay are necessary to run the government and provide us spoiled, rotten Americans with the services and amenities we take for granted. That’s not to say, however, that I agree with all the ways this money is spent or the enormous difference in the gross pay versus net pay portion of my pay stub.

Indeed for many Americans, this is a much dreaded and intensely detested time of the year. I don’t know anyone who says with an air of ineffable excitement:

“Omigod! Omigod! It’s almost April 15th again, and I once again have an opportunity to contribute a hefty portion of my yearly income to the government of the world’s greatest country. With my help, we will continue to be able to produce $800 government toilet seats, save the rare hermaphroditic flatulating fruit frog from extinction, and buy hookers and penicillin for horny legislators. Where’s my damn checkbook, I’m not waiting till April 15th, and I’m going to include a tip. God bless America!”

So it occurs to me that maybe instead of punishing us hard-working and expediently law-abiding Americans with what amounts to a yearly fine, why don’t we use the tax system to punish some people who really deserve it, and, at the same time, lessen the onerous burden on us good guys.

Hence, I present the Annoying Persons Tax, whereby millions of other Americans will be taxed, not just on their incomes, but also because they are extremely annoying. This new tax structure will not only abate us relatively unannoying persons’ tax debt, but it may even change the behavior of the irritating group, however, the greatest value of the new tax will be the pure unadulterated pleasure of retribution.

I will now give you my suggested list of annoying people, which I don’t plan to turn over to the IRS yet because I figure I may need to keep adding to it for a while. This is not in any order of ascending or descending annoyability:

1. Lies, instances of hypocrisy, and unkept promises by politicians. This should bring in enough to correct the international trade deficit the first year.
2. Any comedians who insist on continuing to tell Monica Lewinsky jokes (per joke).
3. Anyone who owns a vehicle with anything more than an AAA decal on it (per decal; double rate if you have a personalized license plate).
4. Rush Limbaugh, each time he says the words, “I,” “me,” or “myself.”
5. People who start doing yard work before July (per trash bag).
6. Car accident rubber-neckers (per second; double rate for camera or binocular users).
7. Elvis impersonators. If there are more than 3 in a 20 mile radius, all will be taxed.
8. People who mispronounce the word “nuclear,” yes that includes Tom Brokaw (“nucular”) and President Jimmy Carter (“nu-ke-ar”). President Carter would pay double rate because of his mispronunciation’s sexual connotation.)
9. Golfers, not just because of the inherently goofiness of the game, but for the irreparable damage done to men’s fashion (a lump sum retroactive reparations tax may be needed here).
10. Dennis Rodman, for each hair color and gender identity change.
11. Owners of bad toupees. This will require a test: If a person cannot walk by a pack of hunting dogs without being chased (taxed per toupee).
12. People who talk or eat food loudly in theaters (per word, crunch and/or smack, double rate for belchers).
13. Show business and sports celebrities who chew gum during public appearances (per chew; double rate for open mouth chew; triple for audible smack).
14. People who appear more than once in the “Style” section of the “Post and Courier” (double rate if they have a drunk in their hand, triple for men with bow ties with their glasses pushed up on their heads).

If you’re wondering how we will verify these acts of annoyance, I will recommend that we have people who record them with audio/video equipment (tax bounty hunters of the bothersome). These people can contract with IRS to provide this service, and their salaries will be more than justified by the new source of revenue. And you might get some people to do with work gratis—just for the nearly orgasmic pleasure of it.

I will be going to discuss my proposal with the IRS soon so if you have any more suggestions for the list, let me know. And incidentally, although I will not be selling this idea to the IRS, I will, however, ask that they exempt writers for the “East Cooper Monthly” from this list, so none of your should get any ideas.

I am, nevertheless, concerned about one thing: These IRS types, not being famous for their senses of humor or citizen friendliness, may think I’m totally out of line, and decide to slap an audit on me. Then I’ll be forced to reveal information of the year I was paid under the table when I worked the geriatric male strip club circuit in Florida as the “Amazing Mr. Gherkin,” and gave out tiny magnifying glasses to the audience.

Perhaps it’s appropriate to say now that although I write this article, the entire idea of the annoying person tax was Bill Macchio’s. Way to go, Bill!

Elephants and Pigeons…Oh My

Oh, my God, I shouted, as my wife, Barbara, and I were watching a taped report of President Bush’s press conference. “Did you see that? A bird just crapped on the president’s shoulder.” A small white glob landed on W’s left shoulder. He seemed to react to it slowly, yet a good bit faster than when he initially informed us about 9/11. He didn’t seem bothered, just glanced at it briefly, then flicked it off with his bare hand as if he were used to it, causing me to imagine a new version of that John Denver oldie, “Bird Dung On My Shoulder Makes Me Happy,” before concluding that maybe he just figured he was so deeply entrenched in it now, why worry about a couple of ounces more? Though certainly, he must have been disappointed that his red alert warning rhetoric to the reporters that their children were in danger from terrorists may have only scared the crap out of a bird. The camera then swing to the somewhat nondescript little pigeon, obviously not only unaware of the significance of his act, but of everything else in his environment, except for spilled French fired, cats, and rampaging raptors. It’s a pigeon for God’s sake, the most commonplace and maligned of all our avian allies, those ravenous eating machines that swarm over people—sometimes with Hitchcockian intensity—in Central Park and the famous squares of Europe.

But perhaps we have grossly misjudged and mistreated this impressive bird (they served as messenger carriers in combat in WW’s I and II, and NYC brought in falcons to rub them out a few years ago). After all, this particular little creature had done something that none of the Democrats could accomplish. Votes schmotes! Vetoes schmetoes! He just took matters into his own wings. Disregarding menacing Secret Service Men and machine gunners on the White House roof, this feathery fighter bomber swooped down and dumped his ebony and ivory load on target, this finally avenging an angry and frustrated world that has been the dumping ground for W’s misguided, mistaken and mispronounced policies for the past 6 ½ years.

So impressive was this act that I feel we should consider making this former war hero the symbol of the Democratic Party. I never have understood the logic of having a donkey occupy this prestigious position in the first place. And what sense does it make for the anti-conservation Republicans to have the majestic, powerful, but disappearing elephant for their symbol. Of course, if we could somehow acquire the elephant for ourselves, that would be even better than the pigeon. And oh, if elephants could only fly. They would still be digging for W. but that’s not going to happen, so let’s return to the pigeon and reality.

First, we’d have to play up the pigeon’s being a veteran of two ears and naturally compare that to the defer-and-run Neocons who started the Iraq War, but who infamously managed to avoid serving in any wars themselves. In fact, we might consider starting a simultaneous campaign to make the chicken the symbol of the Republican Party, except that in respect, a pusillanimous pachyderm is really the more appropriate symbol, because if there is one thing these guys can legitimately lay claim to, it is the elephant-sized balls when it comes to lying, or more specifically, denying a statement, even if you show them a videotape of themselves saying it. In fact, elephantine balls is a bit lacking in descriptive puissance. I’m thinking that the perfect symbol for this group is an elephant with scrotal elephantiasis. While of course, some consideration should naturally be given to the “lyin’” (lion) with Deferment Dick being the Lyin’ King.

But back to the proud pigeon, who, let’s remember, is mainly qualified, not just because of his history of military service to his country, but because he dropped a load on George W. Bush. Whereas most other birds would have taken the easy way out and waited for a statue to be erected, this bird dropped it up close and personal. In fact, I like to imagine him screaming, as he began his dive, banzai-like, while W struggled to complete a two-syllable brain-twister, “For me to poop on!” (Quotation used with permission from Bob Smigel / Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.)

Perhaps, most important of all is the fact that the pigeon can actually be more than s symbol. If these birds can be trained to carry messages, they can certainly be trained to perform an even more significant “doodie,” so to speak: Dropping deuces on Neocon lie-spewers, illustrating that even though both are full of it, at least the pigeon’s serves a noble cause.

Power to the Pigeon!