Assholes on Asphalt

“May you flip over 13 times and your genitalia end up displacing the St. Christopher medal on your rear view mirror, you inconsiderate, self-centered son a diseased dugong.” Then the God-mollifying qualifier, “As long as you don’t take anybody with you, of course.” After all, I don’t want the Eternal Extraterrestrial Trooper to think I’m some sort of Mephistophelian maniac, but if one of these menacing morons can be removed from the roadways for a short while or a lot longer, think how much safer we the law-abiding drivers would be.

Such was my reaction to the 2005 Toyota Land Cruiser as it whipped in front of me, coming within one foot of my left, front bumper as it sped off to wreak terror-on-tires upon a helpless public. A somewhat typical day on the road for me, as I let loose my venom of enmity upon another reckless driver. Normally, a very calm and Gandhi-like individual, these outbursts of lethal invective, consisting of scalding curses, hexes, and bilious prayers shock my wife and even me at times.

At least, it’s only been verbal, so far. Thank the gods of Driverdom that I hven’t degenerated into a golf club wielding Jack Nicholson figure. Yet.

As a pre-emptive insurer against this frightening possibility, I have, in desperation, created a safe and subliminal method of releasing my highway hostility: “Asphalt Ad Hominems.” Small, but plainly visible hand-held signs (illuminated for night) with curses and personalized billingsgate, some custom-designed for the opposing driver, guaranteed to let him or her know how you not only feel about their “I’m king/queen of the road, make way for your motor vehicular betters” driving attitude, but even the less noxious ones with the annoying decals, license plates, or even the cars themselves. Allow me to present the following examples for your consideration:

Customized:
1. Guy in a Humvee limousine: “Wouldn’t Viagra have been a lot cheaper?”
2. Guy in an expensive car with dealer plate: “Quit living a lie. Be proud and drive your Gremlin.”
3. Pick-up truck with Confederate flag decals: “Fire if you’re from Ladson. Up in the air, please.”
4. Car with Bush/Cheney decal: “We just saw your IQ test results. You are forgiven.
5. Guy parked illegally in handicapped space: “I see you don’t have a handicapped sign. Would you like some help qualifying?”
6. Senior citizen with turn signal permanently blinking and driving 15mph: “Just wondering, when you take your car to the car wash, do you ask for the ‘old people fragrance’?”
7. “I see your child’s an honor student. Adopted?”
8. Cocky guy in a convertible: “Heyyy, p-ssy wagon. And driven by one.”
9. Woman in convertible: “Thought you might want to know that in SC it’s against—I mean ‘agin’—the law for you to drive with your top down.”
10. Woman with personalized license plate: “I am very happy, Muffie, that the Bmer belongs to you, but I’m saddened that your self-esteem depends on it.”

General:
1. May you find out your 14-year-old daughter purchased a personalized (read “used”) Bill O’Reilly loofah on eBay.
2. May you awake from your colonoscopy to see the O.R. nurse rewinding a ¾” garden hose.
3. May you be disqualified for “American Idol” because you’re only borderline retarded.
4. May your wife find lipstick on your dipstick.
5. May your daughter win first place in a Lyle Lovett look-alike contest.
6. May you be perplexed and perturbed why your (male) doctor paid you for your prostate exam.
7. Hey, I recognize you from that Burt Reynolds movie. Nice banjo playin’.
8. May you get the tragic news that your non-driving girlfriend was rear-ended.
9. I hear your sister works on Remount Road. Whorrendous!
10. That engine’s really blasting. Can I look under the hood? No, not that one, the one you’re wearing.

There you are. Feel free to use any or all of these, or create your own. My only caveat would be to have a very fast car.