Scream of Consciousness

1. State of the artless: Arkansas
2. Speed hump: a quickie
3. Old Filthy Bitch: Old Dirty Bastard’s mother
4. Tommy Lee jeans: jeans with oversized crotches for the well-endowed man
5. Donkey Dong: Early Atari adult video game
6. Not very well thought out name for an upscale dog clothing magazine: “Doggie Style”
7. Guys’ fantasy: Playmate All Star Jug Band
8. Linda Tripp Switch: Instead of turning it on, it turns on you.
9. “The Occidental Tourists”: You know, the ones with all the cameras.
10. The “quick and the dead”: the latter only being separated by the former by a relatively slow reaction time
11. Q Klux Klan: Short-lived gay branch of the KKK
12. “Comb Over Miami”: Dade County salon that caters to balding, elderly men
13. “My fair lady”: Euphamism for “My Carnival Woman”
14. “The Mark of Zorro”: Illiterate Mexican swordsman takes out his frustration over not being able to write his own name in a creative, yet violent way
15. Colinectomy: Special procedure for removing the Secretary of State
16. Tom Delay: Male porn star with a notoriously slow release
17. Yeast infection: Painful female inflammation thought to be the result of doing splits on a pastry board
18. “Richard and the Gerbils”: Times Square version of “Alvin and the Chipmunks”
19. Texas Bookstore Suppository: A creative yet virtually impractical aid for constipation
20. “Felix and Oscar de La Hoya”: Totally incompatible roommates end their tumultuous relationship when Oscar answers Felix’s “You clean that mess up now” with an uppercut.
21. Mrs. Paul’s Fish Dicks: An abortive attempt to attract the low end seafood consumers’ market
22. Little Richard Simmons: Infamous Greenwich Village club celebrity who is so gay he had both of his wrists surgically broken to guarantee maximum limpness.
23. Vlad the Impaler: Fabled Romanian adult video performer
24. “Uranus, Up close and Personal”: Spectacular show at the Rose Planetarium in NYC that wowed members of the astronomy community, while disappointing many others
25. “Dan Moon Show”: what Dan do to display contempt for other radio shows
26. “Jeffrey Dahmer and Greg Show”: Wacky couple invites 300 lb. gay bodybuilder to dinner. Later, Dahmer developes a mean case of indigestion
27. “The Mansons”: Marilyn blows drug money on breast implants. An engraged Charles tries to strangle him with an unraveled “Helter Skelter” 8-track tape.
28. “Snoop Dogg Day Afternoon”: Snoop and his bitches carry out a successful bank heist before the cops can figure out whazzuppp. He suffers a minor gunshot wound in his pimp hand.
29. “The Last of the Big Suspenders”: Larry King resigns in indignation when the terms of his new contract require him to read at least one book per year
30. “The Amos and Andy Griffith Show”: Mayberry residents give Andy’s new deputy a big surprise. Opie asks Aunt Bee, “What’s a lynch party?”
31. “Siegfried and Roy Rogers”: A lonely Siggie discovers necrophilic feelings for his deceased boyhood hero while his companion is out of town.
32. “The Count of Montecrisco”: A European nobleman finds stimulating, non-culinary uses for ordinary cooking oil
33. “Eminem Butterfly”: Formerly homophobic rap start is coaxed out of closet by friend and obliged to eat more than his words
34. Hugh Downs Syndrome: A psychological disorder whose main symptom is a gradually growing desire to avoid Barbara Walters
35. Incontinental Airlines: Airline that caters to a geriatric clientele; provides customers with combination lifejackets/Depends
36. Ring-around-the Rosie-O’Donnell: Game show in which children test their endurance by running circles around the portly TV star, one lap being equal to 12.6 yards