Martha Stewart’s Cross-Dressing Twin Arthur’s Thanksgiving Holiday Hints

December 1, 1997

Martha Stewart’s Cross-Dressing Twin Arthur’s Thanksgiving Holiday Hints
By Bob Coskrey


1. Turkey Stuffed with Laxatives: eliminates need for Tums or Maalox since you won’t have time to get indigestion. Large families may need to rent a port-o-let.
2. Green and Red Dyed Turkey: white meat/dark meat squabbles are history. Red and green bones and gristle leftovers will make wonderful Christmas tree ornaments.
3. Giblet-filled turkey piñata will add to the festive atmosphere.
4. Country Thanksgiving: Decorative and functional corn cob display in the bathroom.
5. A Frank Gifford Thanksgiving (A “Franksgiving”): An oversized turkey cooked in a special bra-shaped bag, which when opened, reveals two “beautiful breats.”
6. Dysfunctional Family Turkey: Boneless turkey meat molded into the shape of a turkey, can be eaten with hands, eliminating the possibility of family members using utensils or bones against one another at the annual Thanksgiving free-for-all.
7. Politically Correct First Thanksgiving Day Reenactment (“Laughing Last’s Revenge”): Participants dressed as pilgrims display symbolic forks tied to their tongues, while fictional Native Americans, Chief Laughing Last and his hot-headed brother Kicking White butt, sniggeringly sign treaties with disappearing ink, make double-entendre “beaver pelt” jokes, not fathomed by the pilgrims, and accept cheap trinkets from their dinner guests, while muttering eye-rolling “yeah, rights” at each other.
8. Turkey with Cross-Dressing: To discourage the usual male vegetation around the televised football game, guys who choose to watch must wear bras and panties and read scripted game commentary such as: 1) “Oh my, those pants are just too, too tight—yessss!”; 2) “He’s the best wide receiver I’ve ever seen—yessss!”; and 3) “Well, I guess I’m stuck with the locker room interview again—all those big, sweaty men’s bodies—yessss!” These guys will be relegated to eating turkey backs only—yessss!”
9. Thanksgiving Day Floats on Flatulence: Turkey stuffing composed of pinto beans and cabbage produces “gasly” results—enough methane to lift 200 pounds plus humans aloft. The more one eats, the longer one can hover like a miniature Macy’s float above the dinner table. Caution: No Smoking.
10. Thanksgiving Mental Health Day: Family members are sent precautionary invitations, reading “you are hereby invited to attend a socially mandated thrusting together of often very disparate people, many of whom have nothing in common but enmity and DNA, with probably unhealthy or dangerous psychological effects.

I absolve myself from the responsibility for anyone else’s well-being.
Love, Grandma