15 Reasons The Citadel can still be proud

1. At the school spelling bee, everyone was able to spell misogyny.
2. New “Brown Shirts” look really spiffy.
3. The cadet who threatened to cut out the heart of one of the female cadts recently received a call of encouragement from OJ Simpson.
4. E Company staff showed “90s man sensitivity” by rejecting gasoline as a hazing fuel in favor of more humane fingernail polish remover.
5. It dispelled wimpy Southern Gentleman stereotype by “kickin’ some female butt.”
6. Administration demonstrated extraordinary insight, when in order not to confuse the female cadets, it changed the term “dress” parade to “fancy uniform” parade.
7. Professor Gingrich will be teaching Advanced Hazing 301 again this fall.
8. Once South Carolina has seceded from the Union, Governor Beasley has promised to let the cadets fire on Fort Sumter again—or at least at New York Times reporters.
9. School has single-handedly allowed Charleston to overtake New York in violent crime statistics.
10. Proved emphatically that ectomorphic white guys can “diss” “hos” as well as those gangsta rappers.
11. Self-nominated for Martin Luther King Peace Award for having gone over three years without having a black student shot on campus.
12. Has saved the state a lot of money by instituting controversial “Designated Hazer” rule.
13. Will be the primary film site of Pat Conroy movie sequel “The Louts of Discipline.”
14. Showed spunkiness with adoption of new school slogan “We Bad.”
15. E Company cadets didn’t let pushy females disrupt “Shower Room Disco Night.”

BONUS: Corps claim that “Our coaches can out-drink anybody’s coaches.”

Originally published August 1997