Indecorous Decorations of the Lowcountry

December 1999
Indecorous Decorations of the Lowcountry
By Bob Coskrey

Some people take Christmas decorating very seriously. My wife, Barbara, likes to ride around and see how these serious people decorate their houses and yards and, indeed, many people put a great deal of effort and expense into it, with the results being tasteful and beautiful creations that not only deserve subdivision awards but maybe a visit from House Beautiful photographers, as well. However, the results are not consistently so positive, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, because there are a number of homeowners who take it just a step too far, those who are not satisfied with a simple wreath on the door and white lights in the windows, but rather feel that the more strings of lights there are covering the house and engulfing every last millimeter of flora—not necessarily excluding any fauna that may happen to get in the way—the more radiant and Chrismasty the overall effect is, and certainly, this approach does achieve supernova quality, with the only thing lacking, at times, being a neon “Viva Las Christmas” sign.

There are also those who practice the theme park method of decoration, with their roofs, yards, and porches teeming with Santas, reindeers, elves, candy canes, and toy soldiers, not to mention perpetually playing holiday music beckoning sense-accosted passersby to stop and gawk. And, of course, there is always one house in every neighborhood that outdoes all the others. We’ve all seen it before and if we have small children we always take them to marvel at it.

And surely the key word that connects all these monstrosities of merriment is that one whispered to Dustin Hoffman in “The Graduate”: Plastics!

Not ceramic, wood, or Phillip Simmons styled wrought iron, but the synthetic, nonbiodegradable, and totally indestructible substance that has been the archetype for cheapness and tackiness since the 1920s.

Plastic, leering, psycho-Santas with expressions that probably scare the Christmas brownies out of little kids and unintentionally sacreligious manger scenes consisting of celluloid Sons of God and Virgin Marys (“Our Lady of Polypropylene”?). Flashing animated sleighs on top of houses with elaborate and potentially lethal electrical wiring requiring a family’s entire monthly budget to operate, stared at by awestruck neighborhood children earnestly praying for one of those scenes from that Chevy Chase Christmas movie, or perhaps even a life-bettering-art one, where the street is rocked by a deafening “pow,” followed by a total blackout, and Mr. Johnson’s toasted torso is discovered in a melted-out hole in the snow.

Naturally, decorating styles differ with each community. Whereas in downtown Charleston and some of the tonier subdivisions most houses will be rather traditionally adorned, some S.O.B.s may actually string their fences with lights, but only for practical reasons of “accidentally” exposing a bare wire here and there to “zap the hell out of a few of the damn nosy tourists.” This same group of normally innocuous people have also been known to drive around with loudspeakers blaring yuletide music interloaded with subliminal phrases—also targeted at tourists, such as “Go to Myrtle Beach! Go to Myrtle Beach!” or the even more forceful “Go to Myrtle Beach if you know what’s good for you! And Marry Christmas, by the way!”

Our illegitimate sister city of North Charleston will once again charm sightseers with their customary red and green painted car-supporting cinderblocks and walkway border tires. And there is a rumor that representatives of North Charleston’s most lucrative industry, prostitution, will very tastefully leave a single green light in their windows along with the more traditional red one. Ho, ho, ho, indeed!

In the sleepy (partially lead-paint induced) community of Ladson, they’re already prepared, since they very pragmatically leave the strings o flights on their trailers from year to year. However, the “Festival of Fork” will be reprised this year. During this celebratory event, all its citizens dine alfresco at the open air flea market and make another attempt at eating with “one of them new-fangled utensils.” Visitors may also experience the serendipity of coming upon Klansmen in their resplendent red and green Christmas sheets and may perhaps even be fortuitous enough to be serenaded by their homespun rendition of “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas (in addition to the other 364 days, as well).”

Certainly, I will not neglect my most favorite of Lowcountry burgs, Goose Creek, whose citizens will, for the 3rd year in a row, forego decorating their trailers (the competition with Ladson had become a trifle heated) in favor of their now world-famous “Monster Sleigh Rally” in which modified sleighs complete with racing stripes and oversized tires alternately perform daring jumps over 15-foot effigies of myself in a “Grinch that Stole Christmas” costume or smash headlong into one another.

So, just as in the past, Barbara and I are looking forward to driving around and experiencing the Lowcountry Christmas splendor and, of course, anticipating that some members of our north-of Charleston communities many no entirely appreciate my sense of humor, as expressed in this publication, we will be riding in our holiday decorated Wells Fargo armored truck.