New York State of Mind Not So Blue After All

I’m a Liberal. There, I’ve said what John Kerry couldn’t. He hedged, saying he was a Liberal on some things, but conservative on others, but then I guess he has more to lose than I do. How this happened to me, I don’t know. I’m almost 65 years old, have lived in Charleston all my life, and my parents and their families were all Conservatives. 99% of all my friends and most of the people I’ve worked with over the years have been Conservatives. Was I a drop-out, a Hippie? No, didn’t have the nerve, but I always empathized with them. I think it’s just the way my personality developed. I’m extremely laid back, as was my mother t a lesser extent, and I guess you could say that if I have any kind of basic guiding rule of life, it’s “that consenting adults should, in general, be left alone to pursue whatever makes them happy as long as it doesn’t infringe on somebody else’s right to do likewise,” and that attitude sort of blends into a high threshold for tolerance of other ideas—even if they’re stupid. I haven’t done very well in the area of proselytizing however, since my wife is more of an independent, while my son is a Libertarian, but perhaps, I may have, at least, unconsciously prevented them from straying into the invective-lobbing encampment of the Far Right, simply though my sterling example.

I was shamed into outing myself upon finding out that a neighborhood family was Liberal, and they had been courageous enough to place a Kerry-Edwards sign in their yard. Since we live in Mt. Pleasant, a roiling caldron of conservatism, this act would have been tantamount to Ann Frank hanging a “Zion or Bust” flag out of her window in the last 30s. I wish I could say I lived in a small blue enclave, but I don’t. It’s just me and these neighbors against the Red Hordes (Boy, if they read that, they’ll be some furious Bible page flipping, looking for some references that apply specifically to me just like they did with the gays with that passage in Leviticus: “Eureka, I’ve found it right here in verse 4: ‘A man of 3 score and more who toilet as a scribe for a publisher of alternative views shall lie down with the Devil,’ Sayeth the Lord.”).

And since I’m in a revealing mood, I may as well go the whole way: I’m not simply one of those vile creatures that Rush and Sean have warned you about on a daily basis, I am the bane of not only 51% of Americans but Christianity itself. I am something more foul than the ungodly spawn of Phil Donahue and Barbara Streisand. I am more detestable than a staggering army of pantless Ted Kennedys. I am, my defenseless readers, a Liberal that loves NYC. Now, that’s different from a NYC Liberal, because all of those people don’t love NYC. In fact, a lot of them have forsaken their birthplace to move here, initially because of the weather, but later because of the lifestyle, to the extent that a trip to the Hunley is more exciting for them than one to Grant’s Tomb, a meal at Bowen’s Island is more enjoyable than one at Tavern on the Green. You think “Massachusetts Liberal” is the vilest epithet in a conservative’s lexicon? Well, “NYC Liberal” is the term that always precedes a slap in the face and a pistols at 20 paces, according to Zell.

NYC, after all, is the Liberal capital of America, and it is, of course, my favorite city. I go there once a year, but not for the ostensible reasons that others do: art, entertainment, culture, history, and great food. I go because it’s an ideological necessity. Because I exist 359 days a year in one of the most conservative areas in the U.S., I have to spend at least one week in the Mecca of all that is Liberal just to regenerate myself. Actually, it’s more on the order of being born again, and I’m sure about 5 million Bush foot soldiers can identify with that. It’s a beautiful experience being dunked in the Hudson—unfortunately, the image is soiled somewhat by my hazmat suit—but I rise up, helped by Alec Baldwin and a transsexual priest, rejuvenated and ready for the next do-gooder cause.

Of course, the reality of my yearly NYC pilgrimage is somewhat different, but pretty much what most Conservatives would expect: I stand at the plane’s doorway and, cheered on by a raucous crowd, leap confidently into a writing mosh pit of the usual Liberal purveyors of all that is immoral: Gays, antiwar demonstrators, Earth Firsters, prostitutes, various and sundry fornicators, Free Speech protectors, trial lawyers, unwed mothers, bloody smocked abortionists, child pornographers, socialists, serial masturbators, and a beaming Bill Clinton, who whisks me off in a Russian made limo to Scores, a popular “gentlemen’s club,” where we reminisce about the “good old days,” while getting lap-dances by dwarf transvestite strippers. The rest of my visit is spent doing the typical tourist things—there is such a thing as overload, even for us Liberals. However, my last day, I once again revive expectations by appearing on The Howard Stern Show with Norman Mailer for a discussion of how stem cell research might have helped Larry Flynt.

So there, my fellow Liberals, there’s no need to rush off to live in Canada or Australia. A yearly trip to The Big Apple is sufficient. And on the brighter side, just think, after just “4 more years,” George Bush will be gone!