The Name Game

There is a contest being held now to come up with a new name for the Charleston minor league baseball team, presently called the Rainbows. The team owners feel that the current name summons up the wrong kind of image for a group of rugged, young athletes whose goal it is to bad and pitch the other teams into whimpering submission, perhaps also presuming that a team of Rainbows may tend to wish for a potful of victories rather than earn them. The present sobriquet may, in addition, evoke visions of the Rainbow Coalition of the Rainbow Family, decidedly unpalatable food for many Charlestonians' conservative thoughts.

So I began to think of the innumerable possibilities for appropriate names which, at least from my viewpoint, must not only meet the team's owners' criteria, but must also be an appellation that is synonymous with some significant aspect of Charleston.

And as I began to think seriously—which is not easy for me—about this subject, a great number of possibilities come to mind, mainly because, at least in my opinion, Charleston can be seen from many perspectives.

Charleston's most obvious and certainly most advertised quality is its history. After all, it's "America's Most Historic City," and drawing on that, you might have the "Patriots," but for the existence of a professional football team by that same name; the "Rebels," a former name in the segregated 40s and 50s, but now totally inadvisable; or the "Colonists"—too bland.

And because some Charlestonians are so interested not only in the city's history, but their own family's as well, we could certainly have a team with names like the "Blue Bloods," the "Aristocrats," the "Patricians," the "Shintos" (sounds better than Shintoists), the "Preservationists," the "Artifacts," the "Heirlooms," or the "Fossils."

Because this genealogical fascination often goes awry, we could just as well have the "Snobs," the "Elitists," the "Social Climbers," the "Snubbers," the "Gentry," the "WASPS," the "Clique," the "SOBs," or the "Betters."

With the latter name, whenever a team ran out onto the field at the start of a game, a man dressed as a medieval herald would precede them, shouting, "Make way for your Betters!"

Charlestonians' preoccupation with how they dress could also elicit names such as the "Preppies," the "Yuppies," the "Blue Blazers," the "Khakis," the "Oxfords," the "Polos," or the "Weejuns," the latter also scoring political correctness points because of its Native American derivation.

Our city's teeming lawyer population may prompt nicknames such as the "Esquires," the "Litigators," the "Ambulance Chasers," the "Pettifoggers," the "Jurists," the "Ad Hocs," the "Unforgiven," the "Shysters," the "Tassel Loafers," the "Rodneys" (they get no respect), the "Points of Order" or the "Retainers."

Charleston's large outdoor sporting population might favor names like the "Duckheads," the "Anglers," the "Trawlers," the "Sailors," the "Hunters," the "Pick-ups," the "Bubbas," the "Buckshots," the "Outboards," the "Flannels" (accenting the second syllable for effect), the "Boykins," or the "Docksiders."

Homage would most definitely need to be paid to Charleston's natural phenomena, hence we could learn to tolerate names such as the "Humidity" (Miami has its "Heat"), the "Tide," the "Drought," and the "Hugos," or from another point of reference the "Hellcatchers" or the "Survivors." And speaking of survivors and the formidability of nature, one can hardly find a better example of both than the Yellow Crowned Night Herons, who, despite everything the city threw at them, remained defiant in their nests, laughing sardonically at the ludicrous plastic owls and snakes, the incriminating artifacts of man's feckless efforts. The "Charleston Night Herons"! It has a nice ring to it.

But it would, I'm afraid, be an affront to Charleston's sizeable artistic community, the heron's fiercest adversary, which could present its own exhibit of meaningful nicknames: the "Artists," the "Artistes," the "Artsies" (cuter), the "Literati," or, as Oakland has its "Athletics," we would present our "Aesthetics." Also, perhaps the "Spoletanos," or the "Menottis," the "Truth," the "Beautiful People," the "High Stylists," the "Chic," or the "Dilettantes."

Charleston, undeniably, has a long history of being a "wet" city filled with heavy boozers, so like it or not, names like the "Sippers," the "Bay City Booze-hounds," the "Imbibers," the "Swillers," the "Winos," the "Lush-heads," the "Stool Jockeys," or the "Barflies" would fit. Or, as Boston has its "Red Sox," and Cincinnati has its "Red Legs," we could have our "Red Noses."

Nothing distinguishes a Charlestonian from other Americans—at least on a superficial level—more than his or her speech. Therefore, we might have the "Accents," or the "Brogues," although they sound more like singing groups from the 50s and 60s. Then, too, we could have the "Geechees."

Obviously, I cannot neglect that large group of middle-aged Charlestonians who have attempted to resurrect their youth by memorizing Beach Music, that bragging but sagging contingent that still displays remarkable foot agility together with exceptional beer can-to-mouth coordination.

The "Charleston Shaggers." Why not? It even has the baseball double-entendre of catching fly balls.

Charleston, in addition, has gained national renown for its excellent cuisine and restaurants, notably seafood, over the years. So there could be a team named the "Gourmets," the "Chefs," the "Shuckers," the "Crab Crackers," the "Benne Seeds" or the "Grits."

We could honor a couple of prominent members of the "In Defense of Charleston" team by calling the team the "Charleston Joe Sox," or the "Inabinators," or the "Sis Boom Bahs" or, as a tribute to the navy yard workers themselves, the "Shipfitters" or the "Coffee Breakers" (the place has its detractors—don't send mail bombs!).

How about saluting our world famous police chief with the "Charleston Reubens" (a sandwich logo) or the "Charleston Greenbergs" (a green iceberg logo).

There are a myriad other probable names that would not necessarily be pushed by any special interest group that run a long gamut from pejorative to complimentary. Hence, I respectfully submit for your approval the "Potholes," the "Palmetto Bugs," the "Doodlebugs," the "Mosquitoes," the "Charlies," the "Chews," and the "Fiddlers."

Lastly, I'm wagering on the future in making my final suggestion, a dimension of time with which Charleston is seldom associated. "America's Most Futuristic City"? Blasphemy!

But based on local news media reports over the past two weeks, each year, increasing numbers of a certain endangered species are migrating to our city. If this keeps up, one day we will not only be a haven for these noble, but beleaguered creatures, but could boast the world's largest population.

I give you the "Charleston Manatees."

Lipinski – Lewinsky

May 1999
Lipinski – Lewinsky
By Bob Coskrey

I can’t believe I’m the only one who has noticed this, but do you not foresee the possibility that a few years from now when people are looking back on the significant events and people of 1998, that there will inevitably be some inadvertent mental transpositions when the somewhat similar sounding names, Tara Lipinski and Monica Lewinsky, are mentioned. Tara Lipinski will be mislabeled as wild intern in the Clinton sex scandal and Monica Lewinsky as the effervescent little gold medal skater. Who knows, maybe even the movie, “The Big Lebowski,” might get tossed in, to make for even more mind-adding predicaments.

Well, you needn’t worry because I have taken the impressively altruistic measure of creating a list of differences as well as similarities between Ms. Lipinski and Ms. Lewinsky, so that when that time comes, no one will be confused, and more importantly, no one will be insulted or possibly sued.

So, here it is. Cut it out of the magazine and keep it with you just in case:

Difference: Tara weighed a total of 85 pounds; Monica’s behind weighed 85 pounds.

Similarity: At one point in their careers, each was hurt by a nasty trip(p).

Difference: Tara performs a fantastic sit-spin, Monica performs a fantastic lap-sin.

Similarity: Both lived with the anxiety of having their careers possibly sidetracked by a knee injury.

Difference: In her leisure time, Tara was spotted with her skating coach viewing “The Big Lebowski.” In her leisure time, Monica was spotted with her former high school drama coach doing “The Big Lebangski.”

Similarity: Both excel at a popular American indoor sport.

Difference: Tara’s body fat: 8%, Monica’s body fat: 80%.

Similarity: In a spelling bee, both would lose. Tara would not be able to spell the word “Peyronie” and Monica would go down, so to speak, on the word, “Zambonie.”

Difference: Tara was hit on by a big lugier, Monica was hit on by a big loser.

Similarity: As a child, Tara skated on thin ice on a big creek. As a young adult, Monica was “skating on thin ice” with a big creep.

So there you have it. Whenever the differences between these two media celebrities gets a bit fuzzy, just refer to my list.

And please don’t overwhelm me or East Cooper Monthly with phone calls, faxes or letters of appreciation. Performing a civic duty through the use of my modest writing skills is its own reward.