Running Myths Debunked

Running, as other sports, certainly has its allotment of myths and hyperbole, most of which can be easily discerned from fact. But runners, unfortunately, just as some lower forms of athletes such as bowlers, golfers and professional wrestlers, seem to have an unrelenting compulsion to believe—even exult in—these exaggerations and untruth, in spite of themselves. Therefore, in order that running might be able to maintain its image as a fountainhead of verisimilitude and integrity, there is need from time to time, for someone to play the Dreaded Debunker, the Redoubtable Refuter, the Nasty Nihilist. A person who is willing to risk scorn and even physical abuse in order to reenlighten his fellow athletes and uphold the probity of running. And for a brief time, the onerous role has fallen upon me (it might be helpful at this juncture for the reader to imagine himself or herself at the XXIII Olympics closing ceremonies in the LA Coliseum, my voice thundering out in a God-like baritone refined by a British accent):

1) The myth that a see-through shirt with large oblong holes and low-cut back will increase a runner's speed and stamina in a marathon. Alberto Salazar finally but unwittingly destroyed this myth in LA recently, togging himself out in a bizarrely alluring outfit obviously designed for Kappa by Fredrick's of Hollywood, and finishing 15th in the marathon.

2) The myth that underarm hair will slow down women runners was shattered, in this year's Olympics by the performances of Maricia Puica (gold medal, 3000 meters), Valerie Brisco-Hooks (gold medal, 200 and 500 meters and 4x400 relay), Rosa Mota (bronze medal, marathon), and a herd of others, much to the horror of prospective Lady Gillette sponsors.

3) The myth that Cheese Whiz makes a cheap but effective substitute for Shoe Goo was exploded by Italian marathoner Guido Latrino, who not only came up with a strained hamstring, but was attacked violently by a mob of marauding field mice inside the coliseum tunnel.

4) A marathoner from Three Mile Island, Sebastian Cobalt, narrowly missed becoming a human decal for a tractor trailer, while unintentionally exposing the myth that runners from his community have no need to wear reflective clothing during night training, when he attempted to run the Santa Monica Freeway a week before the big race.

5) The myth that an athletic supporter filled with dry ice will not only keep a runner cool but will increase his speed was partially debunked last spring, when a Chinese Citable Cadet, Ring Hop, attempted it during a 10,000 meter race. The myth, stated Hop, was apparently started by a Clemson student as a rumor designed to be passed on to the Univerity of South Carolina track team for malevent reasons. "I intercepted it," said the ill-fated Hop, when I interviewed him in his Medical University of South Carolina Burn Trauma Unit room. "I really thought I had something hot—and of course, I did."

6) Finally, the last and most topical myth is that of the infamous "Australian Wonder Wand" or "Goose Staff," a twelve-inch pencil thin, battery operated devide that world class runners are supposed to use to keep inconsiderate (or inexperienced) runners from passing in front of them within a stride's lenth. Actually, this instrument is only rumored to have existed about thirty years ago when it was said to have been used, somewhat successfully, by Australian runners. However, its unfortunate side effect of occasionally creating life-long, but unwanted friendships, when used indiscriminately, led to its demise.

There are also apocryphal reports of its reappearance among gay runners in the San Francisco Marathon (or the "Great Fruit Loop" as some of the more insensitive staights put it), but no one has ever actually produced a wand as evidence. Despite the non-existence of the Wonder Wand, the time may not be ripe for its invention.
Of course, there are myriad running myths to be recounted and refuted, many of which are unfit for exposure to the public in general, much less to the pristine eyes of Charleston Running Club members. For example, the one about the Russian female sprinter and the lonely yak. Editorial guidance will certainly be needed in some instances.

In the meantime, if any readers have running myths that they would like to have investigated, debunked or bunked (?), let me know.