Getting Down to the Monkey Business of Choosing a VP Candidate

With ECM’s bold endorsement of Stephan as the next president of the U.S. and, regardless of his admittedly darkmonkey status, we felt it was very timely to start thinking about a suitable running mate. After multifold man-hours of serious contemplation, we have come up with a list of vice-presidential candidates for your perusal. We would like you to look them over very carefully and give us your opinions. We encourage you to suggest some of your own, if you disagree with ours.

Obviously, we need a high profile individual, even though Stephan’s is, anthropomorphically speaking, somewhat flat, and you will notice that we have even named some of our current presidential hopefuls as prospects.

We would also like to add that you will not be mistaken if you infer from our endorsement of Stephan an unabashed advocacy of multispecies diversity within the workplace.

Our choices:

1. Al Gore. Stephan, as with most members of his species, is subject to sudden fits of unrestrained auto, as well as other-directed, eroticism. Gore worked closely with a man for 8 years who exhibited very similar behavior.
2. John McCain. Both spent time in a cage, although it’s not known whether Stephan was poked with a stick or not.
3. George W. Bush. His father worked closely with a man for over 8 years who starred in a movie with Stephan’s great uncle Bonzo, thus creating a kind of “I’ll be a monkey’s great uncle’s nephew’s co-worker situation.”
4. Bill Bradley. Bill wowed crowds with his ball handling. Stephan grossed out crowds with his.
5. Joe Riley. Both have to be lifted up to drink from a standard water fountain.
6. John Graham Altman. Altman made disparaging remarks about the Reverend Martin Luther King. Stephan has an uncle, Martin Luther King Kong, who is very anxious to meet Mr. Altman.
7. Madonna. Both really enjoy bananas. I mean really enjoy them.
8. Arthur Ravenel. Both thrive on public attention, although the public finds it very difficult to understand anything either one says.
9. Richard Simmons. Both like to watch old Tarzan flicks, one because he is fascinated by Cheetah, Tarzan’s chimp friend. The other is just fascinated by guys in loin cloths.
10. Any Goose Creek citizen. Stephan will feel at home when they lie around and pick fleas off one another.
11. Howard Stern. Both have an affinity for organ grinders.
12. Pee Wee Herman. Both left behind a soiled seat on their last visit to a theater.

Anticipating some complaints about some of our choices, I would like aver that we will accept all constructive and other criticism gracefully, echoing our worth candidate’s slogan, “Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.”