Show Me The Endorsement

July 1998
Show Me The Endorsement
By Bob Coskrey


Endorsements, the economic lifeblood of the 80s and 90s, for athletes, gravitationally challenged Hollywood types, and “I’ll do anything for publicity or money” politicians. We’re used to the archetypal image of Michael Jordan, as well as those of people such as June Allyson, and even Bob Dole, but it’s very apparent—to me, at least—that there are probably thousands of self-absorbed celebrities out there just waiting to prostitute their waning wares for a few hundred dollars and a little electronic media exposure.

An Ellen DeGeneres closet organizer.
Ellen: My closet looks so good now, I wish I’d stayed.”

Dennis Rodman for AC/DC converters.
Dennis: When switching is a way of life, you want dependability.

David Letterman for The Gap.
You wouldn’t even need audio, just Dave in a baseball cap with one of his goofy grins.

The Madonna dress-mattress combo by DKY-Serta. A dress whose back opens up into a small, inflatable mattress.
Madonna: For those occasions when you just don’t have time to find a motel.

An immediate success for a lot of our less physically alluring notables would occur if one of the large pharmaceutical companies came up with “visual laxatives.” Illuminated 8x10 photos of lurid luminaries such as Carol Channing, Lyle Lovett, or Faye Dunaway (without makeup) which even viewed in the dark by the digestively impacted victim, would be guaranteed to scare the “you know what” out of them.
The slogan would be: A picture can be worth a thousand enemas.

To provide employment for our possibly prematurely retiring president would be the “Bill Clinton Trou Clapper” by Ronco.
Clinton: Simply clap your hands and your trousers drop. No more fumbling around with sometimes unreliable and even dangerous zippers. Surprise unsuspecting secretaries, and impress overly aggressive interns.

Even outcast organizations such as the KKK might manage a slightly above detestable approval rating with some creative breakfast cereal endorsements.
General Mills presents Special KKK and Whities breakfast foods for discriminating people.

And while we’re discussing pariahs, another product endorsement of destiny would be the “OJ one-size-fits-all-but-you gloves.”
OJ: A special self-adjusting feature enables you to proclaim with impunity, on those very special occasions, that these gloves are obviously not yours.

The need for quality senior citizen care in a residential setting should be available to all demographic groups, as would certainly be the case in the “Frank Sinatra Home for Old Broads.”
Frank: I’ve known a lot of broads in my day, baby, but once they get to a certain age, they belong in a home. Hey, baby, if I meet a “Stranger in the Night” I don’t wanna trip over her walker. “That’s Life.”

The very popular Richard Simmons could swish his way to the bank with “Richard Simmons Wrist Supports” for the genetically limp-wristed.
Richard: Because of my inclination toward wristbreaking, I was continually inuring myself during workouts, but with my wrist supports, I have been injury free. And they’re so fabulous looking that both Marv and I wear them to the disco—yessss (sings) “You can stay at the YMCA.”

Bob Dole is a natural. He was actually in the test group for Viagra, the universally applauded cure for male impotence.
Elizabeth Dole: Hey, Bob, is that pencil in your hand again, or are you just happy to see me?

To move to the other end of the political spectrum, why not Ted Kennedy for Samuel Adams beer and ale?
Ted: You think John Jr. had a hard time with his law exam. I’ve never passed a bar in my life.

No doubt, by now, you get the point. There is almost an endless supply of these lens-lusting icons just waiting to be signed up.
Just in the spirit of, say, encouraging more letters to the Editor, let me close on this one.

Me as a world class non-celebrity, doing a gratis endorsement for the Goose Creek Center for Cultural Affairs.

“Everyone is invited to enter the Goose Creek Art Contest. Entrants are reminded that they are required to pass a basic arithmetic skills test, if they are competing in the ‘Paint by the number Division.’ Those entering works in the ‘Elvis on Velvet Division’ are reminded that, because of the city’s strong anti-drug position, we are only accepting pictures of the ‘King’ in his early years. Thank you very much.”