Palermo Festival U.S.A.

May 1999
Palermo Festival U.S.A.
(Or Menotti Was Great But He’s No Joe Pesci)
By Bob Coskrey

Although the Spoleto Festival USA is probably the greatest thing to happen to Charleston since the creation of the she-crab soup, with the possible exception of the legalization of beer purchasing on Sundays, every year there seems to be torturous financial struggle to prevent it from sinking into the Red Sea of insolvency.

Last week, as my wife and I were watching one of her favorite movies, “Godfather II,” on video, the answer to Spoleto’s chronic economic crisis exploded in my brain like a hollow-nosed bullet: A Mafia sponsored Spoleto. Financial security ad vinitum—or at least as long as La Cosa Nostra is around.

We may need to rename it to Sicily Festival, or since we must be associated with a sister city, it might take on the appellation of the Palermo Festival, after the island’s largest city. But what do we care what it’s called, as long as we can keep the thing going?

Once the “Family” got involved in soliciting contributions, believe me, the festival’s coffers would always be full, plus with “family values” being the buzz word of the 90s, who would risk the stigma of refusing to give to “family”?

But even if this psychology failed the festival could still rely on the Mafia’s signature assertiveness—face to face, fist to face, and foot to groin techniques that have withstood the test of time, not to mention the FBI. But even if this proves insufficient, a new, more culture-oriented fund-raising method, “Persuasive Art,” could be employed:

1. Living Sculpture: In a tribute to motion pictures, contributors will have their hands imprinted in cement, while non-contributors will have their feet encased in cement and become participants in living (briefly) statue displays at the bottom of the Cooper River.
2. Site Horrific Art: Non-contributors’ machine gun riddled vehicles will be on display at Brittle Bank Park, sometimes with similarly air-conditioned cadavers at the wheel.
3. Splatter Platter Art: Potential contributors seated at a banquet table will make bids while a baseball bat artist stands behind them d swings away at the lowest bidder.
4. Life Imitating Art: In an involuntary art identification contest, non-contributors who are unable to pick out the real Van Gogh painting from a group of imitators have one of their ears lopped off.
5. Abstract Expressive Merchandise Redecoration: Selected non-contributing business will have their products rearranged, reshaped, recolorized or possibly undergo heat-induced molecular transformation by gangs of uninhibited mesomorphic artisans.

The Piccolo Palermo Festival for children will feature non-contributors as lingually deprived (recipients of tonguectomies) mimes and Mafia trained accountants juggling books. For those precocious little future Mafiosi, there will be coin-operated, play money-laundering machines.

With a guaranteed economic success now equal to its artistic achievements, the festival and the entire community will undoubtedly prosper, in particular, the funeral and medical segments, especially those physicians specializing in facial reconstruction and kneecap repair.

Just as Gian Menotti was the father of the Spoleto Festival, there will need to be a Godfather of the Palermo Festival, but since the La Cosa Nostra leadership are inclined to perform their deeds anonymously, I feel the most sensible approach would be to simply name an honorary Godfather each year.

My recommendation for the initial Godfather would be Joe (You think I’m funny or somethin’?”) Pesci, who I predict will lead off the family lineup with a home run. If you’re foolish enough to be a non-contributor, I strongly suggest that you stay out of the strike zone, with incidentally is the height and width of an average human head.