Merge Urge

March 1999
Merge Urge
By Bob Coskrey

The recent brief debate between Senator Arthur Ravenel and novelist and Citadel Lover/Hater, Pat Conroy, found me on Conroy’s side: The Citadel is a military college and it should keep its identity, for better or worse.

But as I thought about the situation more, I started to slowly change my mind. Actually, both institutions could benefit from this merger of these very disparate entities, as follows:

1. The Citadel: Alternate Fridays tie dye dress parades will improve morale.

C of C: Saturday morning bong and stash inspections will result in fewer bronchial ailments.

2. The Citadel: Attending Poetry Slam at horse and Cart Café will acquaint cadets with poets other than Kipling.

C of C: Spit-shined sandals can only improve college’s image.

3. The Citadel: Graduates will be able to wear “The Ring” in their noses, as well as other nontraditional places.

C of C: Firing the cannon whenever a non-athlete scores will become a much beloved rite of maturity.

4. The Citadel: Summerall Guards can change name to more appropriate Ravenel Rifles.

C of C: Combination of Citadel blue with C of C maroon will put all athletes on “Mr. Blackwell’s Worst Dressed List.”

5. The Citadel: Saluting with the peace sign on John Lennon’s birthday will be groovy.

C of C: Guys giving other guys shirt-tucks will lead to togetherness, and in some cases, perhaps, result in Kerry Springer Show appearances.

6. The Citadel: Hippie dudes on corner of King and Burns Lane will extend “brother” handshakes.

C of C: Shako pom-poms will become popular items in girls’ dormitories.

7. The Citadel: Sentry duty at Music Farm not a bad gig.

C of C: Old Citadel “Save the males” decals can easily be used by gay student union with addition “for us” suffix.

8. The Citadel: Bulldog basketball team will eliminate one sure loss each year.

C of C: Cougar basketball team may be able to add another “loser” to schedule in the form of USC.

9. The Citadel: According to many C of C fraternity regulations, ordering a bra-less t-shirted freshman coed to run in place is not considered hazing.

C of C: You can hide four cans of beer under one of those shakos.

10. The Citadel: Finally, a good chance to get rid of those damned annoying bagpipes.

C of C: Some students will be ecstatic about what exactly made those “hash” marks on the football field.

Unfortunately, the merger idea has already been shot down, since I write this, and the chances of it being resurrected are about as good as Senator Ravenel’s promoting William Tecumseh Sherman’s birthday as a state holiday or Mr. Conroy fitting one leg into his old cadet uniform.

But I’m confident that if one or two of the “right people” read this article—and Bill Macchio insists that they do—then maybe the merger idea will pop up again.