Dress Down for Success

January, 2000
Dress Down For Success
By Bob Coskrey

Dress Down Day. Most progressive-minded companies observe it, from small ones to huge conglomerates. Studies have proven it’s good for morale, not to mention production. But there are those paleolithically fixated businesses who, for their own peculiar reasons, prefer not to allow this practice, the one for which I work, for example.

So instead of having groups of employees who feel relaxed, comfortable, and at ease, and who work hard, you have a disgruntled mob of surly, frustrated malcontents who sit around pouting and complaining to each other, and resultantly, getting even less work done.

Complain no longer, Workers of the World! There are ways you can satisfy your dress down desires without your atavistic employer ever knowing about it, and he’ll benefit from your increased productivity without ever knowing why. He may insist that you wear a tie and a jacket, but he won’t know that under your neatly pressed slacks or subdued Ralph Lauren skirt that you’re completely bare-assed. SURE, YOU GOT IT, JUST DON’T WEAR any underwear this Friday. How’s the going to know, unless you’re a guy, of course, under very erotically stimulating circumstances. In other words, if you’re the human resource assistant at “Hooters,” you may not want to try this, unless you take the extra precaution of wearing an athletic supporter—or maybe using duct tape. (Just be sure to remove the latter with a quick, short stroke.)

If you’re, understandably, a little timid, simply wear bikini or thong underwear first, then, perhaps, just try painting underpants on, before making the big transformation.

I have already tried it and my production—and that’s all—is up 22%.

Females, of course, have an advantage—at least, a couple of them. They can attend work bra-less, as well as pantsless, and of course, I know that some of you are already doing this. Women trampoline and pogo stick demonstrators may not want to pursue this avenue.
But let’s not stop with this idea. I have multifold others I am anxious to share with you on how we can improve the workplace simply by daring to do things a little differently.

First, from underwearless or bra-less Fridays we follow a natural progression to topless or pantless Fridays. If everyone is in agreement, what better way to bring aboyamity in employer-employee relations, though you might want to consider some weight and age restriction.

No doubt, you’re already misperceiving a lascivious theme here, so let me quickly dispel your unwarranted suspicions with my next suggestion.
Toothless Tuesdays: All our “indentured” senior employees get to leave their drinking glass encased chopper at home while they relax at work, spicing up the office with impromptu imitations of Gabby Hayes, Moms Mably, various hockey players, and a new interpretation of Gumby.

A lot of pent-up tension will be released with the introduction of Tactless Thursday, when you will be allowed to infuse the environment with all sorts of rude, impertinent, inappropriate remarks, to your spleen’s content, the one stipulation being that those who act this way normally will only be permitted to interject genteel gems of jocularity and joy.

Clueless Mondays: These are destined to become enormously popular among the lower echelon employees, as the whole idea will be to let upper and mid-level management perform the jobs of the lesser salaried peons. Since it is anticipated that many businesses will resultantly be shut down for a day due to the blatant incompetence of its “new” employees, management will probably not permit this even to happen more than once.

The possibilities are limited only by the English language. How about Witless Wednesdays, on which only those who have willingly watched a “Dukes of Hazard” rerun (and boasted about it), consider “USA Today” their newsprint Bible, but need a dictionary to decipher it, or who found the 1992 Gore-Quayle debate an extraordinary example of oratorical swordplay heightened by the challenge of trying to understand the rapier-like repartee and the hip yet esoteric literary references, get to come in.

Classless Wednesdays, on which only those who when they dine out, are so driven to use a toothpick, even before they leave the table, that they ask to borrow your ball-point pen or are constantly spitting out La Brea Tar Pit consistency wads of searing tobacco (only you find out they don’t chew tobacco) will be invited to work. These days will, by necessity, be followed by Thoroughly Sanitizing Thursdays, during wh the entire workplace is cleaned and inspected by DHEC.

Although some of my models may be slightly exaggerated, my not-to-be-overlooked point to you bosses is that the Dress Down Day is a very minute concession to your faithful employees, as in my situation, for instance, in which it simply means that I won’t wear a tie. Big deal, you might say, but to most workers, the practice is actually a symbol that the “Big Kahuna,” “The Man,” “Mr. Charlie,” “The Suits,” “The Massah,” is aware that they’re human and not some sort of policy-programmed android. And just in case an erstwhile point is forgotten, they’ll actually perform their jobs better.

So, while of course not a threat, is we the laboring, downtrodden masses don’t start getting their Dress Down Days, it’s not entirely outside the realm of reality that some of the previously referred to less sanity based days of observation may come into being.

For example, since it’s been over a year now since we’ve had a dress down day at my job, tomorrow I’m taking it upon myself to initiate, unilaterally, unfortunately, “Dress Your Private Parts As A Puppet Monday.” Drastic? Perhaps, but in order to affect change, you first have to gain someone’s attention. What’s that you say? Medical attention. Well, okay, but it’s a start.