The Dreaded Annual Xmas Letter

December 1997

The Dreaded Annual Xmas Letter
By Bob Coskrey


Dear Norma,

I enjoyed your Xmas card and letter. I know how proud you must be of little Ashley being accepted to Duke at the tender age of fifteen. I had no idea that David Duke had a whole university named after him. Boy, am I stupid.

Oh, coincidentally, while we’re on that subject, my eldest daughter, Busty Betsy, was just selected Miss Daisy Duke 1998 by the local Transmission Workers Union.

I am so proud of her, I could burst and so should she, for that matter. She also made the cheerleading squad, although I overheard one of the neighbors’ boys saying she had made the football and men’s basketball teams, too, but I must have misunderstood him. I really think my hearing is going.

So your Biffer is in his senior year at Harvard. Terrific.

Our little Billy Joe took advantage of his recent incarceration to study condom machine repair. And, the Lord works in mysterious ways, when the judge learned that one of those girl scouts was 18, Billy Joe’s sentence was reduced from 6 years to 2.

We’re really catching “you know what” from the rest of the trailer park since we purchased the double-wide. They all us social climbers. Of course, it is sad that they feel that way, however, as you know yourself, one must move forward. But you know us, we’ll always be the salt of the earth (is it salt or scum?), even if we have 3 pickups and go to Myrtle Beach every month.

I got myself one of those celebrity hairdos. I got a “Paula Jones,” you know, long and teased, with a cute little poofy thing in the front. I wore a mini-skirt and some white Barbara Mandrell boots when we took Grandma Gaskins to the monster truck rally and one of those groovy pit crew boys told me I made his transmission shift into gear. I guess I’ve still got what it takes.
Eddie took me out to a move for our 25th anniversary. I wanted to see a Steven Seagall one because I think trying to figure out their intricate plots provides good brain food, but we finally decided on one of the “Smokey and the Bandit” movies instead (III, I think). Boy, that Bert Reynolds always turns me on, the way he chews his gum.

Give Parkhurst a kiss on the cheek for me for getting that big promotion to CEO.

Eddie says he got some very interesting pictures of his boos and someone named Tina Tetons at the American Legion convention. He expects to be getting promotion, not to mention a bonus, very soon—or else, if you get my drift. Ha, ha, ha! Whatever it takes, I always say.

Well, I got to be going. Y’all have a fantastic time on your trip to Paris.

Eddie and I will be doing something very similar when we go to Dollywood for “French Day” next month. The way it works is that any time you hear somebody speaking French or eating French Toast you are suppose to thumb your nose at them. The smug, frog-eating, little foreigners. I think they must have given Dolly a hard time or something.

Happy Holidays to you and yours!

Love,
Tanya Faye