Bubba Olympics

November 1997
The Bubba Olympics
By Bob Coskrey

FIELD EVENTS

High Jump

Qualifications:
1. Must register at least 3 times the legal alcohol level.
2. Must be able to stand without support for 5 seconds.
3. Must have body fat percentage higher than an elephant seal (approximately 98%)

From a standing position, the competitor must jump up and sit on a barstool, holding a 12-ounce mug of beer in each hand, without spilling any of it.

Hub Cap Throw

Hub caps, American cars only, are hurled for distance. They are also fetched and returned by coon hounds.

The Stuff, Hock and Spit

Contestants stuff their mouths with chewing tobacco, augment this wad with a hefty hock, then spit for distance.
Drooling, spraying on bystanders, or the accidental launching of dentures will be grounds for disqualification. Judges as well as contestants will be requested to wear protective welding visors.

12-Guage Shotgun Put

A loaded shotgun is tossed for distance to a teammate. Points are scored when a successful catch is made without the gun firing. Half-points are gained when opponents are accidentally shot.
No fans are allowed in the stadium during this event—except for lawyers who will be seated in the front row.

WRESTLING

Bubba-Redman (Mud): While in knee-deep 100% Mississippi mud, men wrestle with their mouths filled with an extra large wad of Redman tobacco. Drooling or loss of any tobacco externally or internally will result in disqualification.
The first person who successfully places his opponent into a Willie Nelson, a hold halfway between a half and a full nelson, will win automatically.

WEIGHTLIFTING
SUPER HEAVY WEIGHT DIVISION ONLY

One Qualification: Must weight a minimum of 300 pounds.
Must consume a meal consisting entirely of pork products, except for a side order of either steak smothered in brown lipid gravy or French fries cooked in cholesterol, and then be able to lift oneself from the table in less than 2 minutes.
EMS personnel, as well as hearses will be on hand.

GYMNASTICS

The Beam Beam

Contestants must finish off a quart of Jim Beam then mount and walk across the 4” wide balance beam. Police background checks will be done to screen out individuals with lengthy DUI records, since it is felt that participation in the walking portion of field sobriety tests would give that person an unfair advantage.

The Horizontal Bar

An endurance test held in a drinking establishment, the person who imbibes the longest without becoming horizontal wins.

TRACK

Monster Truck Pull Demolition Derby Non-High Hurdles

Planned automotive chaos, which has been canceled every year since its inception due to a lack of competitors; to qualify, the driver must pass a pre-event sobriety test.
Competitors in all events, as well as spectators, must have designated drivers.

WATER EVENTS

100 Meter Heatsroke

Qualifications:
1. Must be unable to see feet from a supine position
2. Must have at least border-line high blood pressure
3. Must be knee-walking drunk
4. Must wear hunting or cowboy boots
5. Must be able to float

Assuming every competitor will have at least a heat stroke, the first one that touches the end of the pool, without having a heart attack or expiring, wins.

Team Water Displacement Diving

Two teams of 5 guys who must each weigh in excess of 275 pounds must bellyflop into two separate pools. Whichever team empties their pool first, wins.
The last diver will receive a free Olympic status funeral with full honors.
The pools will be skimmed regularly to minimize barbecue grease slicks.

Totally Unsynchronized Swimming

Teams of two guys each, in full hunting gear, will perform underwater acrobatic and ballet movements. Degree of difficulty will increase due to the competitors eschewing nose clips in favor of just squeezing their noses closed between their thumbs and forefingers. The team that finishes its routine without requiring artificial resuscitation wins.